Esther's Birthday Letter

Dearest Big Girl,
The last time I wrote you a birthday letter it was six months late. I’m trying to be better about it this time… but I started it two days ago on your actual birthday and still haven’t even come close to finishing it.

You are such a big girl now, hardly a trace left of that little squawking red baby that took her time coming into this world. You don't take your time doing anything these days, in fact you run everywhere now. You are always on the move - running, jumping, dancing, singing... and you've recently hit the "why" phase. You want to know everything - why things are certain colors, what i'm doing at any given moment and why, where everyone else on the road is going.

We've tackled quite a few hurdles this year. Daddy and I moved into our downstairs room and gave you your own room, you learned to use the toilet and ditched the diapers, you finally got that second set of molars (but only like 6 weeks ago), and recently you’ve given up naptime. Oh and you have recently started to refuse to wear any pants that aren’t stretchy (are you sure you’re not Terri’s daughter?). You started preschool this year. You go two mornings a week and at first it was a little rocky but you absolutely adore it now. You talk about all your friends at school and when I drop you off you give me a quick kiss and then you’re off to play. You make beautiful drawings and paintings which you bring home and it’s a shame they don’t all fit on the fridge but one day you’ll find out that our fridge, like our house is incredibly, and perhaps impractically small. You’re still not sleeping through the night, you cry out at night at least once and we still can’t figure out why. But we’re used to it by now and just crossing our fingers that maybe someday you’ll be a good sleeper (preferably before you hit your teens).

You’re one tough little cookie. You love to wrestle and tackle and love on everyone. You are creative and play with everything and anything. You will also watch any and all podcasts we let you. You know how to work an iphone better than I ever will. I’m sure by the time you’re all grown up everyone will have iphones surgically attached to their heads or something…

You’re at a really fun age. You say some pretty hilarious stuff which your father puts directly onto Twitter. You dress yourself, brush your own teeth, you play by your self, you go to the potty mostly by yourself. You are just starting to learn to read (though you get lazy after a very short time and make me read it instead). You are very cuddly and full of love. The other day I got a bit overwhelmed with everything and started crying. You asked me if I was ok and I said I was fine, just a little sad. But you came over from where you were playing and wiped my face (with the blanket you stole from Asa), kissed me, and said “don’t worry your daddy will come soon and you’ll be happy again” then you lay down in my lap and wiped your boogers on my jeans.

You are an awesome big sister. Nothing makes you happier than Asa laughing. You go absolutely nuts just to hear Asa laugh. And Asa just adores you! He wants to do everything you are doing, he follows you around and sits right in the middle of whatever you’re doing. You get pretty mad at him, but you’re learning. You say “Mom, can you move him out of my way please?” When I sit down to nurse him you go get your baby and nurse her (your doll baby at any given moment has one of these four names – Cinderella, Alastacia ???, Asa, or Ella).

You are so grown up. I remember looking at your screaming, howling, angry little baby face and knowing with complete certainty that you were going to be like that forever – screaming in my face. But you’re not. You do scream sometimes still but mostly in fun. And you don’t seem to think that I’m the person who created the concept of pain anymore.

You are my little warrior princess, Esther Mathilde Jones Matthews Shoe-Sock Princess of the North! And I love you more and more everyday. You were most certainly worth those three sleepless days in labor.

love,
Mom

Don't worry i'll get better ones tomorrow

Esther's Birthday

Esther turned 3 on Wednesday. It was a very fun and exhausting day. Here are a few videos from the party. And one from Tuesday which is when she got to be the birthday girl at preschool.
Enjoy!

tweet tweet said the little bird

Esther's twitter page

flip downloads

The Big Sleep Challenge: Update 2

Ok, so here we are at the second update and still no implementation. Asa is still congested from the cold he had three weeks ago WTF?!? So when i'd go to lay him down he'd start coughing really bad so i'd pick him up and hold him upright patting his back and bouncing to make sure he didn't wake himself up fully. But then he'd choke and vomit all over me, the floor, the rug, the chair, and everything in the tri-county area. I swear i still smell like sour milk even though i showered at least 6 times since the last time he hurled on me.

Everything in "No Cry Sleep Solution" centers around a routine. Which Asa kinda has already. He naps right on cue - but not usually for any set length of time. He goes to bed alright for the most part and right on cue. Even Esther, now that we've stopped letting her nap in the afternoon goes down without a fight. But the night time wakings are an issue. Esther wakes up and cries and cries and cries. She doesn't even seem to be awake but she sits up, eyes open, and cries. It's awful. And Asa rolls around on the bed bashing his GIANT head into my face and the wall and everything in the tri-county area. He likes to do this from 2am to 4am... i'm not sure what it's accomplishing but it makes me a little crazy. I'm too afraid to go back to sleep because i'm sure he'll crawl to the end of the bed and escape out into the tri-county area (sick of this joke yet?)

So, we've slowly been trying to get him to nap in his crib and he even slept part of the night in his crib the other night (THANK YOU BEN!!!!). Here i would like to point out that whoever designed the whole crib thing was a) at least 6 ft tall b) had a thing for cages and c) never gave birth to monkey babies. In order for me to put Asa down in the crib successfully i have to climb in the crib while holding him by standing on the couch and stepping over the crib wall. Then lay him down. If i attempt to lean over the crib wall he wakes up because he senses that i'm about to DROP him into an abyss. I don't mind getting into his crib with him, though i feel a little ridiculous, but i'm always terrified that our combined weight will cause the whole thing to collapse trapping us both in a heap of rubble. Which would be alright cause Esther would save us. The other thing is Asa is a climber. Both of my children could free scale El Cap. from birth. I'm appalled and a little jealous of their "sending" ability. But this does nothing for me as a mother. Asa climbs everything, stools, chairs, the edge of the piano, the bed, the table, the toilet, the stairs, the ladder to the loft, the closet door, the bookshelf... oi. If he survives baby-hood i think i should get a gold medal for crisis intervention. And a life-time supply of rolaids. This is bad for the crib and makes me SUPER nervous about having him sleep upstairs away from us. If he wakes up he could very well decide it's play time and do a full on dyno right out onto his head. fabulous...

So, now i'm debating getting rid of the crib, laying out the futon sofa upstairs and just putting him down there. If he falls off it's only like 5 inches to the ground, if he escapes in the night there's nothing too dangerous around, except Esther. I may even consider having both of them sleep on that bed and putting both of them down at the same time... reserve manpower?

I dunno... i have no solutions.

I'm sleep deprived. It's killing me. I started crying in a meeting this afternoon. Luckily it was a conference call...

but on the upside - we don't have H1N1.... yet.

finally got around to emptying my camera...

we don't use the digital camera much any more, not since we got the flip. But i couldn't find it when i wanted to take pictures of Asa climbing the stairs. I realized that i hadn't downloaded pictures since august.
This is Esther taking a picture of me while i took a picture of us.
Asa doing his favorite thing, wreaking havoc. He's pretty eager to walk. He walks around the whole house holding on to the furniture. He turned 9 months on the 10th...
Check out Esther's outfit here. It consists of Asa's bib, and a pot for a shoe. You'll also notice that she's carrying a baby and a big red block... i believe they're supposed to be twins.

This is Ben's birthday treat. I usually make him a carrot cake but this year i tried something different. It's Thai Pumpkin Custard. I made it in baby acorn squashes because we had so many from the garden.

ain't they cute?
This picture was taken before the Pacifier Fairy came and took them. Which by the way, is going GREAT!! her sleeping is about the same but she's off the "pashu".
tucked in for the night.
this is a toadstool circle in a neighbors yard. Esther would not stand in the middle this picture is taken as she's running screaming from the middle of the circle where daddy dropped her.
Now imagine waking up to this every morning...
dancing
resting.
wearing mommy's rain boots.

just wanted to share...

been watching the 4th season of Weeds and i just wanted to share my complete approval of Silas.

You Go, Ergo!!

I bought myself a new baby carrier. I know, i know, a little late in the game. I finally broke down and got the one i should have bought back when i was pregnant with Esther and always wanted. I found it on craigslist for $65.

Mine is the camel-colored one on the far right, the one with the really really squashed kid in it. I'd have posted a picture of me wearing it with Asa being squashed but i'm lazy... plus my hair looks stupid right now. Anyway, it's really comfortable and very versatile. If you're in the market i highly recommend it. Only complaint is that it's made for a slightly larger person than me (SEE BEN? JUST TWO INCHES TALLER, THAT'S ALL I WANT...). I can make it work just fine though, and my brother has promised to alter it slightly for me (him being the master-seamster in the family). and no, i haven't any idea who these photogenic people are. i googled "ergo carrier" and stole this image from the internet. here's hoping i don't get nailed for copyright infringement.

Ode to my really awesome cousin who is somehow finishing her Ph.D. raising a toddler and twin baby girls and still manages to be a lot of fun

So, while in canada i got to reconnect with my cousin Sarah. We were childhood best buds and looked so much a like that we used to play tricks on people (Esther saw a picture of her a couple months ago and was convinced it was me). But when puberty hit things got rocky because i had an identity crisis, nuff said. we're not going to talk about it. ANYWHO, Sarah had her first baby, a boy - Duncan - two months before I had Esther. And six months after I had Asa she gave birth to TWIN girls. She's also finishing her Ph.D.. Normally, I'd hate a person like her for making me look so bad but she's loads of fun. Anyhow, i just learned that she reads this blog so this is sort of a shout out to her. She sent me an e-mail this morning commiserating with the sleep deprivation and paranormal activity of children and because i'm too lazy to paraphrase, here is what i wrote back.

Hey girlfriend! (i can't pull "girlfriend" off in person so i thought i'd try it in an e-mail. Guess it doesn't work here either. White in person, white on paper...).

Yeah, the sleep deprivation is killer. Some days it's not so bad, i get a little goofy and i give in easier (which is i think why they do it to us in the first place, to get their way). But other days I'm just awful and everything feels like an absolute tragedy. Lately with Asa's cold it's awful. I pretty much have to hold him all night and the last two nights he's screamed from 2am to 4am for no apparent reason. right. last night i remember looking at his scrunched up little howling face and yelling back "THIS IS NOT A PRISON CAMP AND I WILL NOT DIVULGE MY GOVERNMENT'S SECRETS TO YOU NO MATTER HOW LONG YOU TORTURE ME!!!"

Funny that you say that about kids being "birth control," two nights in a row now (and sorry if this is TMI) the kids have woken up at PRECISELY the wrong moment. It's like Asa has implanted a computer chip in my brain to monitor how comfortable, satisfied, or amorous i am feeling. Oh and how badly i have to pee, because if i REALLY have to pee he either wakes up or goes to sleep or has suddenly decided that screaming bloody murder is the way to go...

In fact, i'm writing this with him sound asleep in my arms (my left hand is a bit numb) because i know he'll wake up if i go to set him down because i've been wanting to write you back all day. I've been writing imaginary response to you in my brain all day. I even started an imaginary blog entry called "Ode to my really cool cousin who go hit with a bullet i somehow managed to dodge" - it was going to be about how easy you make momming a toddler and twin baby girls look. I still may do it but i've forgotten everything i wrote in my head.

It was really quite awesome hanging out with you guys in Ontario. I never really had a chance to get to know CJ until then. I really like him. He's quite funny and a good dad. And the commiserating, seriously... i don't know how anyone could do this without a posse. Not that i have much of one. I'd give anything for someone of our age, with kids, who isn't filthy rich or just plain weird. I guess it's just the demographic of where we live. Old, filthy rich, right-wing weirdos... It's really weird going to the parents' club meetings at Esther's preschool. I feel like everyone thinks i'm the nanny.

ok. my left hand is starting to turn a really nasty shade of purple. i have to put this big noggined kid down before i loose use of it all together. Smooch those wide-eyed girls for me and squeeze Duncan - he is a really awesome kid by the way. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that you guys will be able to move up here sometime in the near future.

(i hope you don't mind but i think i may save myself time and just post this whole e-mail to the blog... if you do mind, let me know and i'll take it off).

-L

The Big Sleep Challenge: Update 1

So. This is NOT the week to start the big sleep challenge it would seem. I got the "No-Cry Sleep Solution" book out of the library. I downloaded sleep logs and tips off Elizabeth Pantley's website. I went Ben with the book and logs in hand made an argument for her strategies. Convinced him and we were both prepared to start logging Asa's and Esther's sleep patterns and wake patterns... but Asa is sick. He coughs himself awake. He hacks until he pukes (all over my spot on the bed...). He whimpers and moans and finally sleeps but snores like a chainsaw cutting a backhoe in half.

So... we're waiting.

The good news (or possibly REALLY, REALLY BAD NEWS - depending on how well this works). The Pacifier Fairy visited our house last night. She left some cool presents and took Esther's pacifier and is giving it to a baby (Esther is convinced that her pacifier is going to baby Hannah, so Terri, if you could please play along that'd be really awesome!)

So, we'll see how tonight goes. Also, we've decided to do away with Esther's naps. She seems ready in that she's perfectly normal if she doesn't have a nap (most days) and she fights nap time as though if she falls asleep we'll steal her soul... I'm not sure i'm ready though... i really like nap-time at our house...


More on the "No Cry Sleep Solution"
i've been reading this book, admittedly, with some skepticism. there are a million and one parenting books out there all with their own pompous opinion that whatever you're doing is WRONG... which i guess it must be since what you're doing now isn't working so you're reading a book to get answers... But you know what i'm realizing, the books that are all "i don't know what will work for you, this worked for me, but kids are freakin' crazy and who the heck knows what will end up doing the trick." I am tempted to read parenting books solely for the solidarity in the shit-storm that is parenting.

so for any of you parents out there whose kids sleep from 7pm until 9am -- either because you have birthed a superior race of humans, or because your kids cried themselves to sleep docilely (instead of trying to climb out and fall on their abnormally large heads or trying to break their own leg between the bars of the crib) -- check this out:
"Up to 70% of children under age five have sleep problems. Sleep issues are complicated and have many causes."

(thank you Pantley)

Next Update will include the sleep log, the pre-bedtime routine log, and the goal that we are working toward (which will determine when I have actually won my BIG SLEEP CHALLENGE)

The Big Poisoned Apple

My brother has lived in New York (and more specifically, Brooklyn) for the last 8 years. Last week our parents took the train up to the big dreaded city to help my brother and his fiance (Hi Miah and Ceci!!!) pack up and move down here.

My father is a country-boy through and through. He was born in the country, raised in the country... he very rarely goes further than 15 miles south of where we live. He considers, for those of you who live around here, Cockeysville to be "The City." So as you can imagine this was quite the trip for him.

So here is my darling papa braving the wilds of the urban jungle...


On another note: MIAH AND CECI ARE HOME!!!!! I am so excited to have them close by. I have big plans for all of us. Including: play-dates with the kids and the bunnies, Ceci teaching me circus tricks, Miah teaching Asa to charm waitresses into giving him free food, picnics, walks in the woods, delectable feasts cooked by my culinarily-gifted brother.

sleep deprivation and H1N1

I work with people who are professional crisis interventionists... and with that in mind the whole h1n1 thing is gearing up here. Water-cooler talk centers around when who is getting their flu vaccinations...

Now, i'm not crazy about vaccinations but i do believe in them... BUT i believe even MORE in healthy living as the number one prevention of sickness. I ALSO believe that it's essential for the body to get sick on a regular basis both to strengthen the immune system and to clean out toxins. I don't understand why children today MUST get the chickenpox vaccine when getting chickenpox was like a right of passage when i was in grade school...

Truth be told, i hate being sick. And even more than that i HATE my children getting sick. I am prone to panic when they start in with the wheezing, coughing, snotting... AND since we are just now recovering from colds it's hard to even imagine a worse time such as, we all having the flu... So i've been reading articles on h1n1 and preventative measures and surprise, surprise, sleep deprivation makes you more prone to illness... HOWEVER, aren't there proven studies that show longer life span for those who have children... ironic.

So, with the intent of getting us all some sleep, and because Terri has managed to get Hannah napping so well (damn-it Terri, you're so hard to live up to). I have decided that my new mission is to get my kids to SLEEP LIKE NORMAL PEOPLE!!!!

Now let me remind you what a difficult feat this actually is.
Esther has never been a good sleeper. During almost the entire first year of her life she screamed, and screamed, and screamed, and screamed, and screamed. Just ask Becky. After several months of sleep deprivation and being mistaken for a homeless person because i looked so haggard i attempted the "cry it out" method. This resulted in EVEN MORE SCREAMING FOR DAYS AND DAYS AND DAYS - because even after we stopped trying it she had somehow come to the conclusion that we were trying to kill her. It ALSO resulted in her learning how to climb out of the playpen we were using as crib (what can i say, i gave birth to monkey children). So Ben and I did what we had to get Esther to sleep which ended up being co-sleeping. This lasted until i was so pregnant with Asa that we didn't all fit in the bed and we worked very hard on getting her to sleep in her own bed.

THEN when the addition was ready we moved our bed downstairs and left Esther upstairs to sleep by herself in her own bed. The first two nights she slept the whole night. FIRST TIME IN HER ENTIRE LIFE SHE HAD DONE THIS!! i woke up several times in a cold sweat certain that she had died from abandonment. But after the second night it stopped. And now she wakes up on average twice a night and cries and bawls and insists that daddy sleep on the couch in her room all night long.

Now, Asa is a bit better. But let me remind you that the first night of his life he nursed for 4 hours straight. He's improved but still nurses a lot.

SO our current schedule looks sort of like this:

8pm - Asa nurses to sleep and is laid down in our bed. Esther goes up to her room to put on pajamas and clean up the toys.
8:30pm - Ben reads Esther 3 books, sings her a song, and stays in her room while she falls asleep (which can be anywhere from 8:45pm to 10pm)
10:30/11pm - Asa wakes up to nurse for approx 15 minutes. He's mostly asleep for this and drops back off to sleep. I lay him down in our bed.
2am - Esther usually wakes up around this time and just cries/screams. It is practically impossible to get her to use words at all. She seems awake though, not like night terror or anything. Ben goes up to quiet her and get her to go back to sleep. Asa is usually awakened by Esther's crying (have i told you how small my house is?) so i quiet him by patting him on the butt or in some cases picking him up and jiggling him.
3am- Asa wakes up to nurse
4am- Esther wakes up again. If Ben managed to make it back to our bed after the last time he goes up. Usually he's still up there though.
5am - Asa wakes up because his diaper is really full. I change him and nurse him again. He will drift off to sleep a little bit but only while i'm moving. So i bounce, jiggle, nurse, and walk him around for an hour desperately hoping he will stay asleep long enough for me to catch at least a little more shut-eye.
5:30am - Esther also wakes up and cries if Ben isn't up there. OR if he is, she crawls onto the sofa with him to sleep.
Our states of half-sleep last until 6:30 or if we're lucky 7. and everyone is up for the day.

SO... here it goes. I'm going to call this "The Big Sleep Challenge" that way i feel like i'm in a reality tv show... or maybe the x-games...

wish me luck. and if you have advice, try not to sound too haughty about it.

Finally getting around to posting...

So, we've officially been home for over a week now. It's been a very rough week too. Esther came home from Canada with a cold and generously shared it with her brother, then dad, then my parents, and finally me. It's been a veritable snot factory around here.
Here are some pictures from the trip, though admittedly they don't do our trip justice AT ALL. These were stolen from Sandra's (see picture below) facebook album. Thank you Sandra!! (haha, be you didn't expect to see them here...)
The trip was good. Got to see lots of cousins on both my mom's side and my dad's side. And Esther got to meet some of her second cousins and first cousins once-removed.
The picture above is Duncan (aka "MY friend") of whom Esther is the boss.

and last but not least, the happy couple, my cousin Em and her new husband Mike.

no place like home

we're home. we all have colds....