Heaven.

Heaven looks like this.

finally some pictures...

I couldn't help posting this perfect picture of Asa's hippo-teeth.
Our budding musician complete with her "tortured artist" face...


This picture doesn't quite capture it but he was trying like crazy to climb up the counter... thankfully he couldn't get a foot hold.
more hippo-teeth...
Esther's really awesome outfit. She dresses herself these days and i have to say, that alone is a reason to have kids. it's hilarious...

chicken counting...

i may be counting my unhatched chickens but i'm hoping we're hereby beginning a short reprieve from sickness and chaos here.

The kids are feeling much better, if a little tired and still a bit coughful and sneezy. Ben and I are working out our own mucus (he more than i, poor fella). Asa is still VERY clingy with me and for some reason fighting sleep though crazy-tired. But despite all that, we're doing WAAAAAY better than last week.

Something about having your kid flip into a seizure suddenly really sets you on edge. Especially if you don't know it's a seizure and are pretty sure that they aren't seizing but are DYING... takes some time to recover from that...

So.

Not much to note. Work is a bit hectic. We're starting out one of our locations on new software that we designed and had built. It's still full of little "hiccups" which i am figuring out how to work around or get fixed. It's tough because these are medical records and therefore held to high standards.

One week until my sister and brother-in-law come to visit for hog butchering weekend... and of course the hog butchering is coming up. Bacon holds a very special place in my heart probably second only to donuts (see what i mean about the 400lbs??? -- and now that Asa is moving more toward real food rather than milk my slight 93lbs is beginning it's steady and soon to be very fast climb toward 400lbs)

two weeks until Esther's scheduled weekend with Oma (which i have marked in my mind as Ben and my romantic weekend since we'll only have one kid. We set up babysitters for both fri and sat. i'm a'hopin to get me some! -- ok, so that's more than you wanted to know... but it's true so stop looking at me like that)

OH OH OH and (after some persuasion)i have decided to go dancing at least once a month and gain back some of my old self. (LAURA! are you listening?? DANCING. Glen Echo, Lovely Lane, anywhere you want girl. i got two itchy feet, old dancing shoes, and a lot of angst. let's dance!

update

we're doing better, or i should say the kids are... Esther is mostly back to her old self. Asa was awful yesterday. high fever and so pathetic as to break my heart and send me into hyper-aware/worried sick mode just waiting for him to seize or breathing to be labored... but after a horrendous night of walking around and around and praying both kids seem to be feeling much better if still slightly feverish and doped up on ibuprofen.

i, on the other hand, am still reeling in the after effects of it all and consequently, running very short on... just about everything... patience, time, sympathy, sleep, medicine,affection,... i've been eying that bottle of wine since 9:30 this morning. alcoholism here i come.

ang-grrrrr

i've been oscillating all day between feeling relieved that every things going to be fine and angry with myself, circumstances, how things played out (though, honestly they really did play out the best possible way they could have...)

i'm just so done with the kids being sick. We've had more sickness pass through this house this year than the rest of my life put together. We are doing every preventative thing we know to do...

i'm done. so very very very freakin' done with all this... if i could roll over and give in, toss in my chips, anything... i would.

i'm exhausted. i'm feeling victimized by our own cluelessness, stupidity, and helplessness. i want to curl up into a little ball and let someone else be the mama for a little while. vacation from being me.

has anyone ever died of worrying too much?

Asa is now running a fever. children's motrin for everyone... maybe we should buy stock...

crazy night...

We just got back from the emergency room. After a couple days of Esther running a fever and coughing but otherwise not bad, she had a seizure. there is nothing scarier than when your child (who has never had a seizure before) seizes. And the odd thing is we had NO IDEA what was going on. She wasn't doing the shaking, gurgling, foaming at the mouth kind you see on House. It was the completely shut down, eyes-wide-open but unfocused, un-responsive, barely breathing kind. TERRIFYING. It was fever induced and called a febrile seizure.

she has RSV. we are quarantining ourselves. if you've had contact with us recently, i'm very sorry.

Asa's Birthday Letter

Dear Asa,

Today, my son, you turn one year old. I cannot believe it’s been a year, in some ways it feels like you’ve always been with us. I was just noticing how I do not have any pictures of you up on the cabinet part of the desk where we have several of Esther and other folks. This, along with the fact that I planned your party late and we are not making nearly as much fuss as we did when Esther turned a year, is making me feel extremely guilty. But in my defense Esther’s big one year party was not really my idea or plan, Lali and Grandpa got in on that. And more in my defense, between you and your sister we are kept so incredibly busy that I haven’t had the time to print up pictures of you to put on the desk. We have, rest assured, taken plenty of pictures of you. You’ll know at some point, how much I like to plaster them on the internet for all to see.

It’s been a crazy year. Crazy, sleepless, nerve-shattering, hilarious. You have seven teeth already and more on the way. You are probably about 18 lbs by now, bigger than your sister was at a year, but also smaller than most babies your age. You keep teasing us with saying a word once and then not saying it again… ever. You’ve said, clear as day: grandpa, hat, mama, Esther, Lali, open. The only word you seem to be able to say on a regular basis is “Dada.” You aren’t walking yet but you are standing on your own. You get on your hands and feet and then slowly lift yourself into a standing position and then you clutch your hands together and shake them about like you’ve just won the Olympics. It’s hilarious. You smile a lot. You laugh a lot. Esther can make you chuckle even when you’re crying. Granted she’s pretty funny, but it’s so amazing to have such a good-hearted, happy-go-lucky, sweet boy for a son. You are cuddly and a true adventure loving wild man! You are fearless, curious, and thankfully, very hearty. You are also a mama's-boy. Which, i take full blame for. I am with rare exception wrapped around your little finger. Even in the most frustrating of moments (like when i catch you playing in the potty chair) your impish grin and gigantic innocent eyes have me, despite myself, grinning even as i'm trying to scold you.

You have recently developed a penchant for getting in things, boxes, baskets, bags, under the kitchen table, inside the potty chair (which is hopefully clean...). You are impossible to keep still. You are always on the move. Especially as soon as i get your diaper off you for a diaper change, you somehow, at that moment develop super-human speed and strength and manage to get away from me shrieking in glee all the while.

Asa, you are an amazing boy. We love you so very, very, very much. Thank you for choosing us.

-Mama

One Year Ago Yesterday...

One year ago yesterday...

today...

Happy birthday little man... you turned 01 on 01.10.10
(yeah, yeah a day late...) We love you IMMENSELY!!

coming soon: your birthday letter post. i am working on it... i'm a slow poke and a procrastinator

Asa Gerbil

not sure when or who took this video of Asa but i found it uploaded on Ben's you tube channel so thought i'd share here too...

belated thanksgiving video

Esther's Preschool Thanksgiving pageant

two thousand ten...

hello and happy new year everyone.

the holidays are finally over and now begins the tedious and somewhat comforting if extremely mundane business of getting back to normal.

i feel like so much has happened recently that i ought to mention... but faced with this blank screen i can't seem to recall much of it...

a good friend of mine was in a bad car accident on new years eve but is doing fine last i spoke with her (if you're reading this i'll call you soon... i hope i'm right in assuming no news is good news...)

r&r were in town (still are for a few more hours...). it was wonderful to see them again. also awful cause it's such a whirlwind of craziness i never feel like i am in a good place to just sit down and visit properly. Rae, with her extreme kitchen goddess-ness initiated a donut making frenzy on new years eve. which were a big hit. and were fried in my x-mas present THE fry daddy.

yes, folks. a fry daddy... and so begins my journey to the land of "This is Why Your Fat"
by next new years i will be 400lbs (hey, all you australians - what is that in metric?)

we got to see the McGuires in all their glory and hilarity...

my grandmother's flowerbox burst into spontaneous flames...

my sister and andy were not able to come this christmas or new years but we're looking forward to having a second christmas at the end of the month with them. It will also be a mass birthday celebration for Miah (2/2), Casey (2/9), Asa (1/10), and Ceci (1/11). Speaking of birthdays, my father turned 58 on 12/30. I made him the traditional batch of buckeye chocolates. And we had a small celebration eating large gelatinous mass of deliciousness that is snow pudding.

Asa turns a year on Sunday. We're looking forward to a small gathering, some cake eating, and watching Asa try to pop balloons by biting them. He's growing like a weed... though a smaller variety of weed than some... not to name names (ah-hem LOGAN). Also, Asa finds himself betrothed to another baby beauty (sorry, Hannah you'll have to share) by the name of Logan Sky Walker. yes, SKY WALKER, no joke, awesome, right!!?? The enormously funny thing about both Hannah and Logan is that they're both going to be rather tall and Asa, i'm sorry son, but you come from midgets. and if i can get ceci to teach me the ropes (ha! get it ROPES -- she does trapeze) we'll be circus midgets. i'm so so so sorry my hippo-teethed circus midget boy. good luck getting a date some day.

And because i am prone to rather lengthy posts and do not have any pictures to share (yes i'm a horrible mother for not wielding a camera at every photogenic or even unphotogenic moment and rely solely on others to send me the pics they managed to snap) and also cause you're all dying to know, though over half of my readers (of which there are a total of maybe 3) saw her over the holidays, about Esther.

Esther is a three year old. She is LOUD (earlier today she was riding Asa's little car/cart/walking thing around the house while simultaneously banging on a pot with a spoon and singing rather far off key and in nonsense language.

The other day she asked me "Mom, you remember when Asa was in your belly? well, did he come out through your belly button?" Now, i'm telling you this because i'm hoping someone will leave me a comment to really grind in what a horrible mother i am... but i was COMPLETELY taken off guard.

My first impulse was to tell the truth, then i realized that that might either really freak her out OR fascinate her and lead her to telling all her preschool friends, teachers, and random folks in the grocery store what daddy does to mommy... with that in mind i decided it could probably wait at least a year before we begin that adventure... my second impulse was to change the subject, which i gallantly tried to do, more than once i might add. but to no avail.

Then Ben jumped in and tried a new tack "he came out the same way he got in" but this did not satisfy her at all. So i finally conceded and agreed that he came out through my belly button... i know i suck... i should have told her the truth... and i will, but i'm thinking i'll wait until she asks again, which knowing Esther will be sooner than i hope.

Ben has started work on a business venture which is definitely NOT a scheme. I am trying to stay out of it but be supportive (particularly by staying out of it). But i'm ashamed to say, i'm not very good at being supportive and i'm an awful wife.

i guess that about catches you all up on things in our dank little sour milk and gold fish cracker world.

New Year's resolution: NO MORE KIDS.