This week could not be going by more slowly. And while i haven't been posting here very often and you probably have NO clue what i've been up so what is one more week, i finally feel i have the downtime and wherewithal to write something... or maybe it's the narcissism?
This Friday at 4am i will be driving up to Pittsburgh grabbing my sister and loads of her art and we're going to be hawking our wares at the I Made It Market at bakery square. If you're in the area please come and buy some cool stuff. I have been felting my tail off and have come up with some very fun things (as my may have seen on instagram). I'm pretty pleased with them overall... the little animal faces make me laugh and feel like doing puppet theater.
I'm psyched to spend the weekend with my sister. I miss her so badly, especially in the cooler weather when i want warm drinks and girl movies and someone else's clothes to borrow. I'm nervous about selling my stuff. Fairie festival is a completely different animal. I have never given it my all and gone all out and really created things that i fall in love with. I have to say the stuff i've made recently, i'm in love with. I will be sad to part with a lot of it. I will also be sad if the end doesn't justify the means and i end up having spent a fortune on materials and travel and time... I'm having a bit of a career crisis and am wondering if i could just make fun things for a living rather than this random jack-of-all-trades for a non-profit thing i've dug myself into.
In other but related news, my little family is a state of limbo. Ben is looking for full time work. One of the many things that came to him in Japan is that a full time job would feed him more than this part-time stay-at-home dad, part-time carpenter thing does. I understand it, I think: the difficulty in switching gears, the not feeling wholly dedicated to one thing and feeling like you're doing everything sort of half-assed, the disappointment in realizing how little $ you actually make when you only put in 20-24 hours a week. Though I'm realizing more and more (thankfully since it's no a possibility right at the moment) that I don't think would ever want to go back to a full-time working schedule. With Ben's job hunt in the works, my job is in a state of uncertainty. I think i would rather work in the office or not work, but with Ben's background it's unlikely he'll be able to make ends meet on his income alone even working full-time. So it looks like i will be working from home for a while. Lucky for me though, i have made myself (not intentionally mind you) sort of irreplaceable in my current job and so my company (once again) is doing what it can to accommodate me. I hated working from home while Ben was in Japan. It made me twitchy and really blurred the lines between work-life and home-life. I need to figure out how to separate those two things for sanity sake... too bad i don't have a spare bedroom to turn into an office, eh? I'm hoping to focus the next 3-12 months (who knows how long it will take) to get the company to function without me so i can leave them all together (and feel good about it rather than guilty)... maybe just felt little critters for craft fairs in Pittsburgh with my sister (what? A Jones making art for a living??) So now all there is to do is get Ben a job...
Tuesday, November 27, 2012
The long lost Birthday Letter for Ms. Esther Mathilde
I really wanted to write a birthday letter to each of my children on their birthdays, a letter that would highlight the things they did this past year, learned to do, new idiosyncrasies, stuff they hate and love... unfortunately, i suck at keeping any sort of regimen. So here we are she just turned 6 years old in October and not only have i not written this year's birthday letter but i also failed to write last years. So this is it. Ages 4 and 5 (or at least the teeny tiny percentage that my sad little brain can old) rolled into one letter that could never ever really capture the dynamics of those ages in this amazing and brilliant girl of mine.
Dear Esther,
I know i say this every year, but i seriously CAN NOT believe how old you are now!! Countless times since before you were even born hoards of people told me to enjoy every age, that it goes by so quickly, etc. And even though there were very, very LOOOOONG nights that felt like they would never end filled with incessant wailing, crying, carrying on, and cursing, the time has flown by. Just yesterday you were a tiny, funny little red thing wriggling in my arms and fussing and now, NOW you are this gigantic (well, comparatively speaking, but certainly not compared to your peers), intelligent, outrageous, funny big kid. I'm going to apologize profusely that i missed your birthday letter last year and even more so that my memory is just awful. I honestly will not really be able to piece together the year you spent as a 4 year old though i will try. I hope you'll forgive me and my crap memory. I also hope you didn't inherit it, though it really doesn't seem like you have considering how clearly you seem to remember all the past slights everyone has ever done you... also ever treat you've ever had.
So this section of this letter is for the birthday you turned 5 years old, to highlight the year you were 4 years old. You went to Maryland Line Preschool again that year. It was your 2nd year there and of course you knew all your classmates and teachers thoroughly. You really grew into your gregarious self that year. No more crying when daddy or i dropped you at school for the morning. You also had an extended day there. I think you stayed until after lunch Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. Asa was three years old this year as well so he was much more of a playmate to you than ever before though still not able to keep up with you. For Halloween you were a gnome girl which i loved because it was an easy costume to make not to mention freakin' adorable. You decided on this costume after seeing the cartoon gnomeo and juliet. You were also sick a lot this year of your life. Some of it was, as usual, the germy-ness of preschool though mostly it feels like it's my and your dad's failure to keep your immune system running at it's best. You were sick on Christmas day this year, which was just sooo sad. You tried so hard to keep up the facade all morning but by the time half of your presents were opened it was obvious you were very under the weather. You had a wicked fever so we medicated you the rest of the day. Ever since that seizure you had a few years back we are terrified to let fevers run their course with you which is probably silly considering febrile seizures are considered harmless. This was also the year you got a new cousin. Aunt Jessica and Uncle Eric had Emmett. Emmett who has since turned out to be a GIANT of a baby. Although we haven't spent too much time with them I am over the moon about you having a cousin. My best friends have always been my cousins. Where most people have life long friends that they met at preschool or kindergarten or in the neighborhood, i have cousins. I dearly hope that you will find people in your life like i have found my cousins. Let's see, what else can i say about you being 4 years old. You are an amazing artist and i believe you wanted to be an artist at the age of 4 same as now. The year you were 4 was a turning point for you and all of us i think. It was the official end of the baby years and a grand entrance into kid-hood. I'm think i'm melding ages 4 and 5 together here so i'm going to just jump right into 5.
Ok. Today is November 27th 2012. Almost exactly a month ago you turned 6. For some reason from 3 to 4 seemed really big to me. And now from 5 to 6 seems huge! You are a very amazing kid. You are so complex which is for some reason startling to me. When i was a young adult or even teenager i loved to spend time around younger kids. I felt like the simplicity of their worlds could some how rub off a little bit and remind me that i didn't have to take myself so seriously. I (and i see how wrong it was of me) truly believed that being a child was somehow so simple. But you my darling girl, are a very deeply philosophical, curious, complicated, and emotional being. I suppose being the daughter of two very serious, very introspective, very emotional people has something to do with it. I worry so much for you. I worry how much your emotions will be a burden in your adult life. I worry that you will take yourself far too seriously and that you will end up suffering for it... and so we have introduced you to the knock knock joke. I bought this book for you for your 5th birthday. However, it wasn't until last week you truly discovered this book. Some of it has to do with your new found ability to truly READ. You've been sounding out words since you were about 3 years old. However, in the last two months or so you have really hit a stride. You are interested in all books not just ones with pictures, you read full sentences and absorb their meaning without needing clues or memorization. You barely stumble on new words. So the picture-less knock-knock joke book has been torturing our house for weeks now. I think your father has taken to hiding it every now and then just to get a break. Last year was your last year of preschool and this past september you started at Kindergarten. This was a very crazy adjustment for all of us. Not only the stress of changing schools but a whole new routine including a much earlier wake up time, riding the bus, a full 5 days at school for a WHOLE day which is just crazy to me. And in the midst of all this your dad went to Japan. This was tough on all of us. He was there just shy of a month and your first full month in school too so i think we all had some behavioral issues. In a show of your father's true timeliness, this was also the month Aunt Ceci and Monong Miah were in the hospital giving birth to Addie and healing from the infections that came with that. Lali and Grandpa were camped out with them up in Pennsylvania helping out as they could. So it was you and me and Asa doing our thing and holding down the fort. It was a tough month. But we got through it. Let's see what else. Oh my favorite thing about last year in preschool was the circus day. You were a tightrope walker and you took it so seriously. It was wonderful. So now i want to buy us a slackline to have in the backyard so you can practice tightrope walking. Being 5 years old has made you more independent than i ever thought possible. You spent quite a lot of time at Oma's house with out us the last couple of years. You have a blast and always come home with more clothes and shoes than you left with. You and Oma are quite the pair and I'm glad for it. I think that you two have a very special bond. Maybe it's because you're the first grand child. maybe it's because you are a girl... maybe it's just because... but it's very wonderful. Now that Asa is older you two have formed a very love-hate relationship. You fight pretty incessantly. It drives me up a wall. I still haven't figured out any secrets to get you two to get along. I think my mom really enjoys it in a way though. My brother and I used to fight A LOT and it drove her crazy so i think this is a what-goes-around-comes-around kind of thing.
I don't know what this new year will bring for us. Things are on the cusp of changing for us as a family i think. Daddy is looking for full time work and I am trying to transition to at-home work or possibly no work. Asa has started preschool this year and you of course are an elementary schooler now. I think that we are all waking up to how we are not parents of babies or toddlers any more. We even figured out the trick to a fun family vacation last summer so i think we are looking to travel more and hopefully figure out a way to move to the Philippines for a time. But as with everything that i have learned from being a mom, there are no plans that go as planned.
Esther my baby, whenever, if ever you get to read these birthday letters, i hope it's incredibly obvious how much i love you. As my oldest child your dad and i inadvertently do a lot of learning with you. I think because of this i feel very guilty. I think i also expect more from you than most people do from a child your age. which i also feel guilty about. Regardless of my silly guilt, i love you. I think you are amazing and i am so very, very, very thankful that you are my daughter. You have taught me more about life and myself than anyone ever has. You challenge me and help me to grow. You make me laugh and scream and inspire such creativity in me and everyone around you every moment of every day. Thank you my sweet girl.
Love,
Mama
Dear Esther,
I know i say this every year, but i seriously CAN NOT believe how old you are now!! Countless times since before you were even born hoards of people told me to enjoy every age, that it goes by so quickly, etc. And even though there were very, very LOOOOONG nights that felt like they would never end filled with incessant wailing, crying, carrying on, and cursing, the time has flown by. Just yesterday you were a tiny, funny little red thing wriggling in my arms and fussing and now, NOW you are this gigantic (well, comparatively speaking, but certainly not compared to your peers), intelligent, outrageous, funny big kid. I'm going to apologize profusely that i missed your birthday letter last year and even more so that my memory is just awful. I honestly will not really be able to piece together the year you spent as a 4 year old though i will try. I hope you'll forgive me and my crap memory. I also hope you didn't inherit it, though it really doesn't seem like you have considering how clearly you seem to remember all the past slights everyone has ever done you... also ever treat you've ever had.
So this section of this letter is for the birthday you turned 5 years old, to highlight the year you were 4 years old. You went to Maryland Line Preschool again that year. It was your 2nd year there and of course you knew all your classmates and teachers thoroughly. You really grew into your gregarious self that year. No more crying when daddy or i dropped you at school for the morning. You also had an extended day there. I think you stayed until after lunch Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. Asa was three years old this year as well so he was much more of a playmate to you than ever before though still not able to keep up with you. For Halloween you were a gnome girl which i loved because it was an easy costume to make not to mention freakin' adorable. You decided on this costume after seeing the cartoon gnomeo and juliet. You were also sick a lot this year of your life. Some of it was, as usual, the germy-ness of preschool though mostly it feels like it's my and your dad's failure to keep your immune system running at it's best. You were sick on Christmas day this year, which was just sooo sad. You tried so hard to keep up the facade all morning but by the time half of your presents were opened it was obvious you were very under the weather. You had a wicked fever so we medicated you the rest of the day. Ever since that seizure you had a few years back we are terrified to let fevers run their course with you which is probably silly considering febrile seizures are considered harmless. This was also the year you got a new cousin. Aunt Jessica and Uncle Eric had Emmett. Emmett who has since turned out to be a GIANT of a baby. Although we haven't spent too much time with them I am over the moon about you having a cousin. My best friends have always been my cousins. Where most people have life long friends that they met at preschool or kindergarten or in the neighborhood, i have cousins. I dearly hope that you will find people in your life like i have found my cousins. Let's see, what else can i say about you being 4 years old. You are an amazing artist and i believe you wanted to be an artist at the age of 4 same as now. The year you were 4 was a turning point for you and all of us i think. It was the official end of the baby years and a grand entrance into kid-hood. I'm think i'm melding ages 4 and 5 together here so i'm going to just jump right into 5.
Ok. Today is November 27th 2012. Almost exactly a month ago you turned 6. For some reason from 3 to 4 seemed really big to me. And now from 5 to 6 seems huge! You are a very amazing kid. You are so complex which is for some reason startling to me. When i was a young adult or even teenager i loved to spend time around younger kids. I felt like the simplicity of their worlds could some how rub off a little bit and remind me that i didn't have to take myself so seriously. I (and i see how wrong it was of me) truly believed that being a child was somehow so simple. But you my darling girl, are a very deeply philosophical, curious, complicated, and emotional being. I suppose being the daughter of two very serious, very introspective, very emotional people has something to do with it. I worry so much for you. I worry how much your emotions will be a burden in your adult life. I worry that you will take yourself far too seriously and that you will end up suffering for it... and so we have introduced you to the knock knock joke. I bought this book for you for your 5th birthday. However, it wasn't until last week you truly discovered this book. Some of it has to do with your new found ability to truly READ. You've been sounding out words since you were about 3 years old. However, in the last two months or so you have really hit a stride. You are interested in all books not just ones with pictures, you read full sentences and absorb their meaning without needing clues or memorization. You barely stumble on new words. So the picture-less knock-knock joke book has been torturing our house for weeks now. I think your father has taken to hiding it every now and then just to get a break. Last year was your last year of preschool and this past september you started at Kindergarten. This was a very crazy adjustment for all of us. Not only the stress of changing schools but a whole new routine including a much earlier wake up time, riding the bus, a full 5 days at school for a WHOLE day which is just crazy to me. And in the midst of all this your dad went to Japan. This was tough on all of us. He was there just shy of a month and your first full month in school too so i think we all had some behavioral issues. In a show of your father's true timeliness, this was also the month Aunt Ceci and Monong Miah were in the hospital giving birth to Addie and healing from the infections that came with that. Lali and Grandpa were camped out with them up in Pennsylvania helping out as they could. So it was you and me and Asa doing our thing and holding down the fort. It was a tough month. But we got through it. Let's see what else. Oh my favorite thing about last year in preschool was the circus day. You were a tightrope walker and you took it so seriously. It was wonderful. So now i want to buy us a slackline to have in the backyard so you can practice tightrope walking. Being 5 years old has made you more independent than i ever thought possible. You spent quite a lot of time at Oma's house with out us the last couple of years. You have a blast and always come home with more clothes and shoes than you left with. You and Oma are quite the pair and I'm glad for it. I think that you two have a very special bond. Maybe it's because you're the first grand child. maybe it's because you are a girl... maybe it's just because... but it's very wonderful. Now that Asa is older you two have formed a very love-hate relationship. You fight pretty incessantly. It drives me up a wall. I still haven't figured out any secrets to get you two to get along. I think my mom really enjoys it in a way though. My brother and I used to fight A LOT and it drove her crazy so i think this is a what-goes-around-comes-around kind of thing.
I don't know what this new year will bring for us. Things are on the cusp of changing for us as a family i think. Daddy is looking for full time work and I am trying to transition to at-home work or possibly no work. Asa has started preschool this year and you of course are an elementary schooler now. I think that we are all waking up to how we are not parents of babies or toddlers any more. We even figured out the trick to a fun family vacation last summer so i think we are looking to travel more and hopefully figure out a way to move to the Philippines for a time. But as with everything that i have learned from being a mom, there are no plans that go as planned.
Esther my baby, whenever, if ever you get to read these birthday letters, i hope it's incredibly obvious how much i love you. As my oldest child your dad and i inadvertently do a lot of learning with you. I think because of this i feel very guilty. I think i also expect more from you than most people do from a child your age. which i also feel guilty about. Regardless of my silly guilt, i love you. I think you are amazing and i am so very, very, very thankful that you are my daughter. You have taught me more about life and myself than anyone ever has. You challenge me and help me to grow. You make me laugh and scream and inspire such creativity in me and everyone around you every moment of every day. Thank you my sweet girl.
Love,
Mama
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