As of last Sunday, i am officially certified to teach yoga. It's been an interesting 10 months to say the least. Before i even committed to the program, i sent Anjali an e-mail asking questions like what happens if my kids get sick or i get sick and can't make a weekend, what kind of "homework" will we have... With my plate already full, i was absolutely terrified to take on one more thing that would demand time and attention. It did take time and a lot of energy... but looking back on the last 10 months, it wasn't so bad. I think what i saw as one more thing on my plate, became one more thing helping me hold up that plate. Leaving Ben and the kids for a whole weekend once a month was difficult. Not being able to show up to the myriad of family gatherings was difficult. and maybe most difficult was having to show up, like really SHOW UP for 20 hours in a weekend with people i don't know that well... and it wasn't just show up... it was also let people see you... like really SEE you.
I didn't realize just how much i hide from people... I chalk a lot of my anxiety of being seen to being an introvert. But I am slowly awakening (or maybe coming to grips with is more appropriate) with the fact that it's all ego... i'm afraid of people really seeing me because i want them to see me how i want to be seen, not how i really am. And trying to be seen in a specific light is exhausting and rarely works anyhow. I am learning that I am afraid that if they see who i really am, they will not love me. I have a self dialogue that is all "who cares if these people love me? i have lots of people who love me and do know ME... or mostly..." "i'm strong enough to not need their approval"... and yet... how did i come to be so distrustful of people?
All these months, all this studying and self discovery and at the end what i have to show for it is a certificate that may or may not mean much and 100x the questions i had before. Since Sunday particularly, i feel that much less capable or prepared to go out and impart yogic knowledge on the world. If anything, i feel unworthy. I know that much of this will go away with experience... if i chose to teach, i will get comfortable with it over time. But what about all the rest of it... applying these yogic principles to my everyday life... i do not feel capable of soulfully communicating with everyone in my life, i don't feel like my lifestyle is one that should be emulated by all, and i'm not even sure i'm capable of creating a safe environment for people to practice in... this also comes with experience i suppose...
Maybe this is all ego too. Like when one graduates high school and goes to college, one goes from being a senior at the top of the school totally knowing what they're doing to being a freshman all over again. Life is just a series of hills and somehow the climb is always more satisfying than being at the base of crest of any given journey...
And furthermore, how is it i developed these expectations of myself so unawares? Expecting myself to know what i'm doing or where i'm going, expecting myself to be fully present all the time... I don't feel like i've ever really said to myself, i'm going to head down this path to enlightenment... it was not necessarily a goal for me. I love the idea of enlightened beings, i love the path... but is it for me? and yet somehow, i am suddenly holding myself to standards that i would not hold anyone else in the world to... how do we become so unforgiving of ourselves?
How does our self talk become so negative and so loud (seriously loud!)? and why, even when you know better, does it still plague us? i know that it's like all muscles, that positive self talk needs to be exercised in order for the negative self talk to be exorcised... and yet, none of that seems to really calm the waters sometimes... is this it? is this the "life is suffering" realization moment? Life is suffering and you'll never know what you're doing and everything is ego...
