"Jerking him around" she says...

roller derby divine!

two of my bestest friends in the entire universe skate on roller derby teams in Atlanta. and aside from circus joining fantasy, my other one is running away to atlanta and skating with them. i found this website that makes up derby names for you... and oddly enough i found this one to be rather appropriate. so cheers to Agent Mauledher and Aeon Flex. my heros!


and here's hoping i can put this name to use someday... or at least pretend.

My brand-new Roller Derby Name is Baby Bloodvessel.
Take MIA PSYCHO'S ROLLER DERBY NAME GENERATOR today!
Created with Rum and Monkey's Name Generator Generator.

Living in a Snowglobe.

The snow has ceased to fall straight down and now swirls around going every which way. The mountains of snow left from the monster storms are slowly melting but still there's no end in sight.

On another note, my to-be-sister-in-law is teaching me static trapeze. Here are a couple of her performances. Though she usually does doubles, i'm just learning simple singles stuff.








so now i'm dreaming of running away to join the circus. Or maybe starting one of our own. Perhaps i could dress Asa up as a bear and give Esther a whip... it'd be perfect really.

my life in three videos...

Storm Large 8 Miles Wide... hilarious...

Wha Wha??

It's been blizzarding...
for almost a week...
we're buried...
it's taller than Esther...
and my daughter is a superhero. a very fast, very loud, very violent superhero...
who lives only on apples... without the skins...

she and her sidekick are addicted to juice...

naked suits...

buried alive...

i'd write more but we're buried under tons of snow...
can't get out to blog...
soooo cold...

oh spring, my spring. what a distant fantasy you are...

because i'm on a roll...

I wanted to share this oh-so-scary bear-like thing. This was given to her by the paramedics during the night she was transported via ambulance to the ER. Apparently the Lions club or some such group makes and donates them... but who in the hell was given the sharpie to draw on the eyebrows. What kid wouldn't be completely terrified by this face?? especially a kid who is already scared out of their head by having to ride in an ambulance??

just terrifying...

another of Esther's beautiful outfits. Note the eye mask worn around the torso. I though maybe she was wearing it as a bra but turns out it's a back brace like the kind daddy wears to work.
and this picture is to demonstrate just a small portion of the chaos and complete bedlam that is my house.

Heaven.

Heaven looks like this.

finally some pictures...

I couldn't help posting this perfect picture of Asa's hippo-teeth.
Our budding musician complete with her "tortured artist" face...


This picture doesn't quite capture it but he was trying like crazy to climb up the counter... thankfully he couldn't get a foot hold.
more hippo-teeth...
Esther's really awesome outfit. She dresses herself these days and i have to say, that alone is a reason to have kids. it's hilarious...

chicken counting...

i may be counting my unhatched chickens but i'm hoping we're hereby beginning a short reprieve from sickness and chaos here.

The kids are feeling much better, if a little tired and still a bit coughful and sneezy. Ben and I are working out our own mucus (he more than i, poor fella). Asa is still VERY clingy with me and for some reason fighting sleep though crazy-tired. But despite all that, we're doing WAAAAAY better than last week.

Something about having your kid flip into a seizure suddenly really sets you on edge. Especially if you don't know it's a seizure and are pretty sure that they aren't seizing but are DYING... takes some time to recover from that...

So.

Not much to note. Work is a bit hectic. We're starting out one of our locations on new software that we designed and had built. It's still full of little "hiccups" which i am figuring out how to work around or get fixed. It's tough because these are medical records and therefore held to high standards.

One week until my sister and brother-in-law come to visit for hog butchering weekend... and of course the hog butchering is coming up. Bacon holds a very special place in my heart probably second only to donuts (see what i mean about the 400lbs??? -- and now that Asa is moving more toward real food rather than milk my slight 93lbs is beginning it's steady and soon to be very fast climb toward 400lbs)

two weeks until Esther's scheduled weekend with Oma (which i have marked in my mind as Ben and my romantic weekend since we'll only have one kid. We set up babysitters for both fri and sat. i'm a'hopin to get me some! -- ok, so that's more than you wanted to know... but it's true so stop looking at me like that)

OH OH OH and (after some persuasion)i have decided to go dancing at least once a month and gain back some of my old self. (LAURA! are you listening?? DANCING. Glen Echo, Lovely Lane, anywhere you want girl. i got two itchy feet, old dancing shoes, and a lot of angst. let's dance!

update

we're doing better, or i should say the kids are... Esther is mostly back to her old self. Asa was awful yesterday. high fever and so pathetic as to break my heart and send me into hyper-aware/worried sick mode just waiting for him to seize or breathing to be labored... but after a horrendous night of walking around and around and praying both kids seem to be feeling much better if still slightly feverish and doped up on ibuprofen.

i, on the other hand, am still reeling in the after effects of it all and consequently, running very short on... just about everything... patience, time, sympathy, sleep, medicine,affection,... i've been eying that bottle of wine since 9:30 this morning. alcoholism here i come.

ang-grrrrr

i've been oscillating all day between feeling relieved that every things going to be fine and angry with myself, circumstances, how things played out (though, honestly they really did play out the best possible way they could have...)

i'm just so done with the kids being sick. We've had more sickness pass through this house this year than the rest of my life put together. We are doing every preventative thing we know to do...

i'm done. so very very very freakin' done with all this... if i could roll over and give in, toss in my chips, anything... i would.

i'm exhausted. i'm feeling victimized by our own cluelessness, stupidity, and helplessness. i want to curl up into a little ball and let someone else be the mama for a little while. vacation from being me.

has anyone ever died of worrying too much?

Asa is now running a fever. children's motrin for everyone... maybe we should buy stock...

crazy night...

We just got back from the emergency room. After a couple days of Esther running a fever and coughing but otherwise not bad, she had a seizure. there is nothing scarier than when your child (who has never had a seizure before) seizes. And the odd thing is we had NO IDEA what was going on. She wasn't doing the shaking, gurgling, foaming at the mouth kind you see on House. It was the completely shut down, eyes-wide-open but unfocused, un-responsive, barely breathing kind. TERRIFYING. It was fever induced and called a febrile seizure.

she has RSV. we are quarantining ourselves. if you've had contact with us recently, i'm very sorry.

Asa's Birthday Letter

Dear Asa,

Today, my son, you turn one year old. I cannot believe it’s been a year, in some ways it feels like you’ve always been with us. I was just noticing how I do not have any pictures of you up on the cabinet part of the desk where we have several of Esther and other folks. This, along with the fact that I planned your party late and we are not making nearly as much fuss as we did when Esther turned a year, is making me feel extremely guilty. But in my defense Esther’s big one year party was not really my idea or plan, Lali and Grandpa got in on that. And more in my defense, between you and your sister we are kept so incredibly busy that I haven’t had the time to print up pictures of you to put on the desk. We have, rest assured, taken plenty of pictures of you. You’ll know at some point, how much I like to plaster them on the internet for all to see.

It’s been a crazy year. Crazy, sleepless, nerve-shattering, hilarious. You have seven teeth already and more on the way. You are probably about 18 lbs by now, bigger than your sister was at a year, but also smaller than most babies your age. You keep teasing us with saying a word once and then not saying it again… ever. You’ve said, clear as day: grandpa, hat, mama, Esther, Lali, open. The only word you seem to be able to say on a regular basis is “Dada.” You aren’t walking yet but you are standing on your own. You get on your hands and feet and then slowly lift yourself into a standing position and then you clutch your hands together and shake them about like you’ve just won the Olympics. It’s hilarious. You smile a lot. You laugh a lot. Esther can make you chuckle even when you’re crying. Granted she’s pretty funny, but it’s so amazing to have such a good-hearted, happy-go-lucky, sweet boy for a son. You are cuddly and a true adventure loving wild man! You are fearless, curious, and thankfully, very hearty. You are also a mama's-boy. Which, i take full blame for. I am with rare exception wrapped around your little finger. Even in the most frustrating of moments (like when i catch you playing in the potty chair) your impish grin and gigantic innocent eyes have me, despite myself, grinning even as i'm trying to scold you.

You have recently developed a penchant for getting in things, boxes, baskets, bags, under the kitchen table, inside the potty chair (which is hopefully clean...). You are impossible to keep still. You are always on the move. Especially as soon as i get your diaper off you for a diaper change, you somehow, at that moment develop super-human speed and strength and manage to get away from me shrieking in glee all the while.

Asa, you are an amazing boy. We love you so very, very, very much. Thank you for choosing us.

-Mama

One Year Ago Yesterday...

One year ago yesterday...

today...

Happy birthday little man... you turned 01 on 01.10.10
(yeah, yeah a day late...) We love you IMMENSELY!!

coming soon: your birthday letter post. i am working on it... i'm a slow poke and a procrastinator

Asa Gerbil

not sure when or who took this video of Asa but i found it uploaded on Ben's you tube channel so thought i'd share here too...

belated thanksgiving video

Esther's Preschool Thanksgiving pageant

two thousand ten...

hello and happy new year everyone.

the holidays are finally over and now begins the tedious and somewhat comforting if extremely mundane business of getting back to normal.

i feel like so much has happened recently that i ought to mention... but faced with this blank screen i can't seem to recall much of it...

a good friend of mine was in a bad car accident on new years eve but is doing fine last i spoke with her (if you're reading this i'll call you soon... i hope i'm right in assuming no news is good news...)

r&r were in town (still are for a few more hours...). it was wonderful to see them again. also awful cause it's such a whirlwind of craziness i never feel like i am in a good place to just sit down and visit properly. Rae, with her extreme kitchen goddess-ness initiated a donut making frenzy on new years eve. which were a big hit. and were fried in my x-mas present THE fry daddy.

yes, folks. a fry daddy... and so begins my journey to the land of "This is Why Your Fat"
by next new years i will be 400lbs (hey, all you australians - what is that in metric?)

we got to see the McGuires in all their glory and hilarity...

my grandmother's flowerbox burst into spontaneous flames...

my sister and andy were not able to come this christmas or new years but we're looking forward to having a second christmas at the end of the month with them. It will also be a mass birthday celebration for Miah (2/2), Casey (2/9), Asa (1/10), and Ceci (1/11). Speaking of birthdays, my father turned 58 on 12/30. I made him the traditional batch of buckeye chocolates. And we had a small celebration eating large gelatinous mass of deliciousness that is snow pudding.

Asa turns a year on Sunday. We're looking forward to a small gathering, some cake eating, and watching Asa try to pop balloons by biting them. He's growing like a weed... though a smaller variety of weed than some... not to name names (ah-hem LOGAN). Also, Asa finds himself betrothed to another baby beauty (sorry, Hannah you'll have to share) by the name of Logan Sky Walker. yes, SKY WALKER, no joke, awesome, right!!?? The enormously funny thing about both Hannah and Logan is that they're both going to be rather tall and Asa, i'm sorry son, but you come from midgets. and if i can get ceci to teach me the ropes (ha! get it ROPES -- she does trapeze) we'll be circus midgets. i'm so so so sorry my hippo-teethed circus midget boy. good luck getting a date some day.

And because i am prone to rather lengthy posts and do not have any pictures to share (yes i'm a horrible mother for not wielding a camera at every photogenic or even unphotogenic moment and rely solely on others to send me the pics they managed to snap) and also cause you're all dying to know, though over half of my readers (of which there are a total of maybe 3) saw her over the holidays, about Esther.

Esther is a three year old. She is LOUD (earlier today she was riding Asa's little car/cart/walking thing around the house while simultaneously banging on a pot with a spoon and singing rather far off key and in nonsense language.

The other day she asked me "Mom, you remember when Asa was in your belly? well, did he come out through your belly button?" Now, i'm telling you this because i'm hoping someone will leave me a comment to really grind in what a horrible mother i am... but i was COMPLETELY taken off guard.

My first impulse was to tell the truth, then i realized that that might either really freak her out OR fascinate her and lead her to telling all her preschool friends, teachers, and random folks in the grocery store what daddy does to mommy... with that in mind i decided it could probably wait at least a year before we begin that adventure... my second impulse was to change the subject, which i gallantly tried to do, more than once i might add. but to no avail.

Then Ben jumped in and tried a new tack "he came out the same way he got in" but this did not satisfy her at all. So i finally conceded and agreed that he came out through my belly button... i know i suck... i should have told her the truth... and i will, but i'm thinking i'll wait until she asks again, which knowing Esther will be sooner than i hope.

Ben has started work on a business venture which is definitely NOT a scheme. I am trying to stay out of it but be supportive (particularly by staying out of it). But i'm ashamed to say, i'm not very good at being supportive and i'm an awful wife.

i guess that about catches you all up on things in our dank little sour milk and gold fish cracker world.

New Year's resolution: NO MORE KIDS.

party-on wayne...

Holidays, despite the fact that i still had to go to work today, are still in full-swing. Well maybe not full swing. We're currently in a little lay period between holidays. But starting tomorrow the celebrations continue on.

I'm taking the kids to visit cousins tomorrow and bringing R&R back with me. Then it's food and fun all through the new year celebration. Bring it on 2010!!!! I can take it... i think... maybe...

I'm glad christmas is mostly over... still have a few gifts hanging around that need delivered to their rightful owners.

I have several out-of-towners i still need to see... and in-towners (we miss you j&i!!!).

On a positive note, that week i spent working my butt off has paid off. so yippie!! my first big win... (if you're peeking in my window right now, you'll see me preening).

bonfire (weather permitting) and booze on new years eve in the hollow. all are welcome... bring stuff if you want stuff... and don't count on me to make it to midnight. i'm old. and tired. and will be curled up on the sofa in Esther's and Asa's room.

have i mentioned i miss you? i miss you.

4th day of christmas...

we're very tired and fussy...
tis the season for greed...
next year santa is only bringing apple sauce for the kids.

more later...

are IOUs acceptable xmas presents?

It's been an insane few weeks. I worked a 48 hr week (as opposed to my normal 20 hr work week) not last week but the week before. Patrice came to visit (hi patchop!!!). and we now have two feet of snow burying us... we have dug tunnels to essential places like the car park, the shop, and my parents' house...

i'm still feeling like a pissy little ingrate about christmas though. it just does not seem humanly possible to finish everything i need to in the next couple of days. i should have picked some less labor intensive presents (and probably things that don't involve needles to make...) but i'm not sure if there is anything i'm capable of doing with little people attached to my limbs, aside from whining of course.

The snow makes me happy though... but again, since i'm so good at whining, it's hard to go out and play in it. Esther's good in the snow, hours of entertainment making armies of knee-high snowmen (it's wicked cute!!!). But Asa doesn't keep his mittens on and freezes and won't let me just hold him... i need one of those snow suits like maggie from the simpsons has, the star one. And maybe a deep sea helmet for over top his head...

i kind of want to post pictures but it will take forever with our slow as @ss connection (the dish is under two feet of snow) and i should really get back to poking things with needles, baking little people, and supergluing my fingers together. ahhh. the christmas spirit - stress and panic. nothing like a good holiday to make you feel like you're running out of time.

Evolution of the hipster

My cousin charlie sent me this
I know at least one person that fits into each of these years, and depending on the day, several of these years. My brother is 2008. My sister is 2009. As for myself, i think i'm still stuck in 1999...

now if only i looked like claire danes...

daydreaming....

Still day dreaming about getting a motorcycle... and now, one of these wonderful helmets...

Singles Ad

Enjoys sushi and quiet nights at home. Loves walks in the woods and doesn't mind the rain and cold. Prefers comedies and karaoke over drama and stylishness. Loves dancing, swimming, and making goofy faces at myself in the mirror. The ultimate "bad boy" that you CAN take home to mama! Looking for my ultimate soul mate.




(photo courtesy of Laura Mae)

ba hum bug!

ok, so you've all heard this before. everyone feels this way... yeah, yeah, yeah. but it's my blog and i can abuse it if i want to.

the thanksgiving turkey is still warm in it's grave... and already the lights are out and i've seen like 20 cars with trees tied to the roof. why is everyone so ready for christmas this year?? i see that sh** and i start to panic.

now this could be because a couple years ago my family decided to do "handmade christmas" where everyone makes the presents and it takes WAAAY more time to make cool stuff than it does to order it off amazon.

or maybe it's because with the little ones, and work, and life time has sped up to twice it's normal speed while i have consequently slowed down by at least half. you do that math ... it all equals "i suck"

and yes today, at work, i was thrown no less than three new proposals all due before Dec 21st. so yippie...

but that said, i am looking forward to snow...

ps: do you think hanging a xmas tree upside down is the christmas equivalent to hanging a cross upside down?

Hope your giving of thanks is good...

So much to be thankful for. glad we've evolved to just you know, saying thanks rather than throwing virgins into a volcano.

I will be stuffing myself stupid. hope you will all be doing the same.



And as a treat i have a quote for you. My cousin's husband, or cousin-in-law if you will had this to say:

"...I am making the sides and prepping our turkey. Trying a secret turkey reanimation recipe. It enters the oven dead but exits as a fresh zombie turkey. Still pondering how one would kill a zombie turkey that's already headless."
(thanks CJ)

one day at a time...

you're not an alcoholic until you find your drink. mine: gin and ginger. yes i am an old lady. a very old lady with a smoker's voice, tin-roof helmet hair, clackety shoes, and watery eyes. I will wallop you with my purse the size of a crown vic. and i will drink my gin and gingers. so there!

Blog Hopping

I like to blog hop while nursing Asa to sleep in the computer chair (which is actually an exercise ball - he likes to bounce... maybe this post should be called Blog Bouncing??)

Anyhow. I found a couple i think i'll add to my reader.

http://owltattoos.blogspot.com/
and
http://uglyoverload.blogspot.com/

Happy Belated Veteran's Day

Turns out the traditional gift for the 6 year anniversary is ketchup

Turns out the traditional gift for the 6^th wedding anniversary is ketchup.

I carefully, and very enthusiastically, planned our long-awaited 6^th anniversary date. Ben’s sister, Jes, set up a babysitting tag team between herself and eric, and j&i. (Jes, thank you SOOOOOOO much for having this idea and thank you and Eric and j&i for all the hard work watching our crazy-ass children. I promise to repay the favor when you guys produce tiny people hell-bent on being insane).

I carefully planned the time of day so the kids would be at their almost best. I planned the places we would go so there wouldn’t be too much driving or logistical issues to overcome.

Our oh-so carefully planned out date schedule:

2:00pm – jes, eric, and j&i arrive

2:00-2:30 – we give them the run down and do our quick how are you’s

2:30 – ben and I head down to the city

3:00 – arrive in Charles Village and look for parking

3:10 – enjoy some hot beverages and crepes at Sophi’s Crepes

4:00 – saunter the 30feet down the block to the Charles Theater

4:10 – “A Serious Man” begins

6:10 – leave the theater and go next door to Tapas Teatro

6:20 – order, drink, eat

6:45 – pay

6:50 – head home

7:20 – home and put the babes to bed.

Jes and Eric, and j&i showed up right on time. We arrived at our first destination with 15 minutes to spare. Parking was easy peasy.

We went to Sofi’s Crepes and ate a Crepe Suzette and a Banana and Nutella. Got hot chocolate (on which we totally burned our tongues) and Hot Cider (so chemically different as to have such a significantly lower boiling point???). We sat out on the sidewalk and watched people walk by. My new friend (see older post) was supposed to swing by for bit but didn’t (long story for which she totally feels awful about and is not, I repeat, is NOT a flake). Sitting on the sidewalk watching people walk by made me feel so very voyeuristic. We didn’t have too much to talk about which was weird… the quiet was weird. The fact that both of us had empty arms and no little people attached to our legs was weird. Truth be told, it made me a little antsy… I didn’t know what to do with myself. Luckily there were crepes. Crepes make it all ok.

We sauntered over to the theater. Bought tickets. Debated popcorn… decided against it… went and watched “A Serious Man” laughed and cuddled and laughed.

Left the theater right on time. Went to Tapas and found it very, very crowded. Was a bit intimidated by the people in there. Decided to walk back to the car and come up with a contingency plan. Drove to the roof of the parking garage. Walked to the edge and stood on the little wall looking down on the city. Called j&i to check on A. He was sad and cranky… so we decided to just go home.

After smooching on the roof ledge a little, we got back in the car and drove. Decided that we’d be hungry and should at least pick up food to take home. Went to the Charles Village Pub. Ordered carry-out, drank beer while waiting. Got a text from j&i that they managed to coerce A into sleeping. So we decided to drive home slowly and eat along the way. For this endeavor Ben stole the brand-spankin'-new bottle of ketchup off our table. i fed Ben curly fries slathered in ketchup and we shared a GINORMOUS burger, aptly named the "big daddy." my car still smells like fried food.

We came home to this:

beautiful, no?

Lessons learned:
1. next big date night out, we're going to Fraiser's or other pub like place
2. the kids will be FINE!!! ("stop worrying Jones, you weirdo!!" -- this is how i talk to myself in my head, yes i address myself as "Jones")
3. get drunk early and stop feeling so self conscious
4. always wear the garter belt and stockings

ps: don't congratulate us yet. our actual anniversary isn't until this saturday. we have to make it 5 whole more days before it's official... not sure if we'll make it...

Shameless plug for my brother...

My brother.
bicyclist. artist. photographer. ex-rock climber. inventor. seamster (the male equivalent to a seamstress). baby magnet. babe magnet.

he's a freakin' genius.

he has invented these things that go on your pedals to hold your feet.
they're primarily for fixed gear riding and i'm not sure, but i guess for trick stuff in particular. (don't ask me. i'm a complete idiot when it comes to bicycles. the phrase "like riding a bicycle" was not said with me in mind).

anyway. check him out!!!

Friend Crushes

I have a new friend.

Can i just say, i love new friends.

Have i told you about Terri? I met Terri during what i like to think of as a "desert" since my move home. I worked for AAI for three very awful, very scary, very eye-opening months. During this awful time (where i would cry all the way home from work) I met Terri. She was one of my more senior team-mates on the proposal team. She rock climbs, and drinks more tea than i do (i know, right!!??), and probably pees more often than me too (double "i know, right!!??"). Well, i developed a HUGE friend crush on her and was all "ok, jones, don't f---- this up. you know you come on way too strong. just play it cool. don't let her know what a dork you are" meanwhile, i'm all "wanna be my friend? you're so freakin' awesome. let's go get some tea... oh and some cookies... and bread... and more pastries... oh and that gelato place is kickin (actually i think she said that)"

anyhow, long story short, i did not (by some miracle) frighten her off with my super enthusiastic need to be her friend. And now she has a baby too. and a blog. go visit her. now.

ok, so Terri has a friend. i think i've only met her like twice in person. no wait. three times i think. and i think she's pretty cool so i stalk her blog. and she (apparently) stalks mine. because check this out. ok, so like weird degrees of separation and ta-da i'm obsessed with being her new friend. i slack off and gchat with her on a very regular basis (well at least this week). and the cool thing? she's totally not turned off by my lapdog yapping and "be my friend. be my friend. be my friend. you're so cool. oh man. you're just soooooo cool."

so i have two GIRL friends. no really. girls. that's awesome. most of my friends throughout life have been guys. i have a select group of women that i really adore. many of them live far away (rae-rae, becks, kit, heidi, west...) and up here... well i know no one. and i'm lame. and we live kinda far out of the city where most of the people we do know live... ok, so my two new friends live in the city too... and both are probably moving far away in the not so distant future (boo! hiss!) but hey. i made new friends. i'm not a scary old shut-in with 80 cats who doesn't take care of their front yard properly.

oh and have i mentioned this? my brother and his fiance have moved back to this area!! so i know them. they're awesome. and if you happen to be in ny for any reason this month you must go see Ceci's circus act. comment for more info.

Window shopping on Etsy again.

I have a problem. i think a lot of americans have this same problem. when i feel crappy i like to have new things... i think they call it retail therapy, and you know you do it too.

Well, since we have no money, and while the general idea of having things is nice, we live in a teeny tiny house and i don't want a lot of stuff - the ideal me is a minimalist. So, as a compromise, i internet window shop. My faves are anthropologie.com , urbanoutfitters.com (i know i'm a dork), modcloth.com, amazon.com, and etsy.com

anyhow, sometime ago while window shopping, i found this:

and i LOVE it. i mean LOOOOOOOVE it. I'm going to marry it. I'm going to have it's babies and wear an apron and cook it big giant roasted pheasant dinners.

now here's why. Since becoming pregnant with Esther it absolutely amazed me how wet motherhood actually is. starts out with the incessant need to pee, the clumsiness (always dribbling tea on myself). then well, you know labor just speaks for itself. then infancy and nursing and baby-hood, potty training, sickness, it's all about being wet. soggy. damp. moist (i threw that in there cause i know that word gets under at least two of my readers' skins. hehehehe)

so here i am. awaiting drier times.

*sigh*

oh-so-very-freakin' tired.

i'm tired.
i'm tired of the kids being sick. i'm tired of not EVER getting enough sleep. i'm tired of trying not to dry heave every time i get my student loan bills. i'm tired of yelling. i'm tired of fighting. i'm tired of feeling like i'm ruining everyone's life. i'm tired of aching. i'm tired of wishing. i'm tired of feeling guilty about every-freakin'-thing-in-existence. i'm tired of owing people something. i'm tired of being nice to strangers. i'm tired of juggling my schedule CONSTANTLY. i'm tired of waiting around for it to get better. i'm tired of cringing every time i catch a glimpse of myself in a mirror. i'm tired of the screaming, crying, whining, and teeth gnashing. i'm tired of being puked on, spit on, coughed on, sneezed on, and kicked in the face.


i hate everything.
now if you'll excuse me, i'm going to dig myself a small, muddy pit out back and feel sorry for myself until i die.

For Stephen... and his elf fetish...

This post is especially for my blogging friend, Stephen... ok, so i'm not an elf but i have pointy ears (they're dark brown and furry so you might not be able to tell). And let's go ahead and throw this out there now, this is EMBARRASSING in oh-so very many ways. But, who doesn't go through that phase of wanting to be a young sex-pot in weird costumes? - this was from the days when i would go to festivals and help my aunt sell human-sized fairy wings (she makes them, they're awesome). I am about 21 here i think...
i'm not sure festivals will ever be the same though...

Why DID i have kids?

I stumbled across this blog and this particular entry
and it's making think about the whole kid thing. Especially since we're also trying to strategize how to keep our adult social lives (and sanity) going. And since the majority of you don't have kids, i feel i might be giving you false impressions about what it's like to be a parent.

So here's the skinny. and keep in mind this is just my own personal take on it. i KNOW it's vastly different for everyone. Oh, also i'm giving you fair warning: this post most likely contains explicit info and more about me than you probably wanted to know, but tough sheet.

1) Does having kids ruin your life?
I would not say "ruin". I would say "change". It changes everything, you, your life, your priorities, your everyday functioning, your body, your mind, your chemical reactions. It's kind of like puberty. I am very different from who i was before i had kids. But then again, if i hadn't had kids how much different would i be from who i was 4 years ago? not sure.

And i know i give the impression that it has ruined a lot of things for me. But i'm a whiner. and really, let's face it. the entire blog world is based on the fact that this is a PERFECT way to whine and foist our opinions on the internet population.

Parenthood has taken it's toll on a lot of things in my life. We chose to live in the country specifically because we got pregnant. I just couldn't see raising my kids in the city. But because of this choice we have isolated ourselves a bit more than i expected. This isolation and distance from all our friends who live in the city is a big deal to me right now.
With regard to the whole "kids ruin your sex life thing". It's not exactly true. They definitely reduce the opportunities you have. But on the other hand you're forced to be more creative which is definitely fun. And it makes the times when it does happen that much more exciting and seemingly special. I'm not saying i don't constantly damn our night waking babes... but I don't think it's a reason for not having kids.

i miss a lot of who i was before kids and i regret not having gone to graduate school sometimes... but there's always later. But who the kids have made me isn't all bad. i feel more at ease with myself (mostly because i don't have the time or energy to waste on being self conscious). i feel like i have this constant view of how vast and small the universe is at any given time. i feel like my influence on my children is the greatest change i will ever make in the world AND they inspire me to advocate for a better future for their sake. plus they're hilarious. i mean... seriously (Esther says this morning: Mom, if dad closes your fingers in the door then you'll die, and i won't have a mommy. - ok so it doesn't sound hilarious here it sounds sort of sad. but the moment was really quite funny.)


2) Why did you have kids?
Well, i mainly have kids because we got pregnant by accident. twice. yeah, yeah, yeah. I know, i'm an idiot. but i did always plan on having kids. I love kids. Admittedly though, since having my own kids i'm not as interested in other people's kids. I'm not entirely sure why i always envisioned having kids. It might be because i grew up with lots of cousins and aunts and uncles and that's just what i figured people do. Or it's biological programming. I dunno. It honestly never crossed my mind, NOT to breed.

3) Isn't pregnancy and birth disgusting and HORRIFYING?
yes and no. quite frankly i think it's one of the most biologically cool things EVER! but then again, i'm not easily disgusted. ben and i have a joke that, if it didn't result in having another kid we'd totally get pregnant again. That's also not entirely true. Pregnancy is hard and uncomfortable. i never got that "glow" thing that people talk about. i never felt like some divine vessel or anything. but there were moments, very small, unique moments when i was alone and i felt the fetus moving around that i truly felt connected... grounded...fulfilled.
and birth. WHOA. not a picnic. but also VERY cool. Esther's labor was hard and scary. Asa's labor was (particularly in retrospect) FREAKIN' AWESOME!!! it was empowering and energizing and exhausting and surreal and very wet. so yes. but i loved it.

4) With regard to the adolescent years...
I am actually looking forward to my kids being teenagers. not that i loved my own adolescence but i feel like i'll be a pretty good parent to a teen. go ahead laugh all you like. and remind me of this when i come to you ten years from now a complete and utter wreck. (and maybe i'm just giddy at the prospect of getting to sleep in again...) BUT i think that it's a wonderful opportunity to influence how this eventual adult will look at the world and see their own impact as a chance for positive change. (what can i say, i'm a pathological optimist...sometimes)

the short of it is: being a parent has been ridiculously hard since conception and having two was like a nail in the coffin (i advise waiting at least 10 years before having a second). and right now, while they're still so young, the rewards are so um... seemingly inadequate (not sure if that's really what i mean here). but, i love esther and asa. i mean FREAKIN' LOOOOOOOOOVE them. and maybe it's a "can't see the forest for the trees" kinda thing or maybe it's just a chemical reaction to ensure the procreation and survival of the species, but i cannot imagine myself without them. (though sometimes i fantasize about all the freedom i'd have if i hadn't had them... living abroad, graduate school, lots of extra cash, going out on dates regularly... stuff like that)

i'll let you now how the reward part changes the older that they get. i keep telling ben that i have a sneaking suspicion that in another two or three years things are going to be a lot of fun as a family. just gotta get past the baby phase... still though. they're really cute, eh?

F you time change.

I would just like to say "F YOU TIME CHANGE!!!" Arizona has it right, they don't believe in the time change.

So now with the clocks turned back the kids go to bed around 7 and 7:30 (unless Esther has miraculously decided to take a nap - a 1 in a million chance). Now this is not a bad thing in that i can get a bit done and go to bed at a reasonable time (they still get up multiple times in the night and official wake-up call is now 6am-fun!). HOWEVER, it has, for the time being, completely killed any chance Ben and I have at an adult social life.

We used to have dinner with j&i once a week. Remember "Tastie Tuesdays" or "Wicked Wednesdays" and then what was it, "Thrombotic Thursdays"? It got moved around depending on what peoples' schedules were doing. We worked hard to keep it going alternating who'd cook and we'd eat at our house one week and theirs the next. And then when Asa was born they decided to go the extra mile (or 30 miles) and come here every week so we could keep it going since two kids is like a gazillion times harder than having just one (keep that in mind all of you with one kid - when/if you decide to go for a second IT MIGHT JUST KILL YOU!!!!!). Then schedules got changed and budgets got tight and we decided to cut back to every other week with the possibility of Saturday breakfasts once in a while to make up for it. But so far the breakfasts haven't happened and now that little 'uns are doing the bedtime routine right about the time that j&i get here, it seems like this little oasis of mommy and daddy reprieve is going to go the way of the dinosaurs.

so here we are. an island. again.

Owl Obsession...

Who? me? no. these are fun things i found on Etsy and felt like sharing. If you click the pic it'll take you to the site.

i dunno what's with this, but i'm obsessed with owls recently. They're just so freakin' awesome!

Ways in which i am a complete tool and halloween babies

I am the only mother at Esther's preschool who made her costume.
It's too bad you can't see how poorly i sewed it
His horns dug into his head a little bit...
and we took them trick-or-treating but it rained and i only had one small umbrella... and now they are sick with colds.

EEEEKKKKKK!!

crap on a cracker!! in an attempt to make my blog better i have completely destroyed it. So bear with me.. i'm trying to figure all this out...

Oh Yeah!

Now that's much better. Thanks everyone. i feel much more loved now. And Jes - i agree, rss feed is ruining the comment option... they should look into that.

no comments in the last 8 posts?

What gives guys?

Good Essay

Go Here. Read this.

My New Favorite Song!!!! (to sing that is)

Lunatics Lullaby
Oh, I was born one night one morn
When the whistle went "toot, toot."
You can bake a steak or fry a cake

When the mud pies are in bloom.
Does six and six make nine?
Does ice grow on a vine?
Is Old Black Joe an Eskimo
In The Good Old Summertime?

Oh, you loop-de-loop in your noodle soup
Just to give your socks a shine.
I'm guilty, judge. I ate the fudge.
Three cheers for Old Lang Syne!

I cannot tell a lie.
I hocked an apple pie.
It's on a tree beneath the sea
Above the bright blue sky.

Oh if Easter eggs don't wash their legs,
Their children will have ducks. (Quack, quack!)
I'd rather buy a lemon pie
For forty-seven bucks.
Way down in Barcelonia
They jumped into the foamia

But that is all balonia.
Paderewski blow your horn. (Toot, toot!)


(as soon as ben teaches me to play it on the piano we'll flip it and post it here so you can all laugh at me.)

Esther's Birthday Letter

Dearest Big Girl,
The last time I wrote you a birthday letter it was six months late. I’m trying to be better about it this time… but I started it two days ago on your actual birthday and still haven’t even come close to finishing it.

You are such a big girl now, hardly a trace left of that little squawking red baby that took her time coming into this world. You don't take your time doing anything these days, in fact you run everywhere now. You are always on the move - running, jumping, dancing, singing... and you've recently hit the "why" phase. You want to know everything - why things are certain colors, what i'm doing at any given moment and why, where everyone else on the road is going.

We've tackled quite a few hurdles this year. Daddy and I moved into our downstairs room and gave you your own room, you learned to use the toilet and ditched the diapers, you finally got that second set of molars (but only like 6 weeks ago), and recently you’ve given up naptime. Oh and you have recently started to refuse to wear any pants that aren’t stretchy (are you sure you’re not Terri’s daughter?). You started preschool this year. You go two mornings a week and at first it was a little rocky but you absolutely adore it now. You talk about all your friends at school and when I drop you off you give me a quick kiss and then you’re off to play. You make beautiful drawings and paintings which you bring home and it’s a shame they don’t all fit on the fridge but one day you’ll find out that our fridge, like our house is incredibly, and perhaps impractically small. You’re still not sleeping through the night, you cry out at night at least once and we still can’t figure out why. But we’re used to it by now and just crossing our fingers that maybe someday you’ll be a good sleeper (preferably before you hit your teens).

You’re one tough little cookie. You love to wrestle and tackle and love on everyone. You are creative and play with everything and anything. You will also watch any and all podcasts we let you. You know how to work an iphone better than I ever will. I’m sure by the time you’re all grown up everyone will have iphones surgically attached to their heads or something…

You’re at a really fun age. You say some pretty hilarious stuff which your father puts directly onto Twitter. You dress yourself, brush your own teeth, you play by your self, you go to the potty mostly by yourself. You are just starting to learn to read (though you get lazy after a very short time and make me read it instead). You are very cuddly and full of love. The other day I got a bit overwhelmed with everything and started crying. You asked me if I was ok and I said I was fine, just a little sad. But you came over from where you were playing and wiped my face (with the blanket you stole from Asa), kissed me, and said “don’t worry your daddy will come soon and you’ll be happy again” then you lay down in my lap and wiped your boogers on my jeans.

You are an awesome big sister. Nothing makes you happier than Asa laughing. You go absolutely nuts just to hear Asa laugh. And Asa just adores you! He wants to do everything you are doing, he follows you around and sits right in the middle of whatever you’re doing. You get pretty mad at him, but you’re learning. You say “Mom, can you move him out of my way please?” When I sit down to nurse him you go get your baby and nurse her (your doll baby at any given moment has one of these four names – Cinderella, Alastacia ???, Asa, or Ella).

You are so grown up. I remember looking at your screaming, howling, angry little baby face and knowing with complete certainty that you were going to be like that forever – screaming in my face. But you’re not. You do scream sometimes still but mostly in fun. And you don’t seem to think that I’m the person who created the concept of pain anymore.

You are my little warrior princess, Esther Mathilde Jones Matthews Shoe-Sock Princess of the North! And I love you more and more everyday. You were most certainly worth those three sleepless days in labor.

love,
Mom

Don't worry i'll get better ones tomorrow

Esther's Birthday

Esther turned 3 on Wednesday. It was a very fun and exhausting day. Here are a few videos from the party. And one from Tuesday which is when she got to be the birthday girl at preschool.
Enjoy!

tweet tweet said the little bird

Esther's twitter page

flip downloads

The Big Sleep Challenge: Update 2

Ok, so here we are at the second update and still no implementation. Asa is still congested from the cold he had three weeks ago WTF?!? So when i'd go to lay him down he'd start coughing really bad so i'd pick him up and hold him upright patting his back and bouncing to make sure he didn't wake himself up fully. But then he'd choke and vomit all over me, the floor, the rug, the chair, and everything in the tri-county area. I swear i still smell like sour milk even though i showered at least 6 times since the last time he hurled on me.

Everything in "No Cry Sleep Solution" centers around a routine. Which Asa kinda has already. He naps right on cue - but not usually for any set length of time. He goes to bed alright for the most part and right on cue. Even Esther, now that we've stopped letting her nap in the afternoon goes down without a fight. But the night time wakings are an issue. Esther wakes up and cries and cries and cries. She doesn't even seem to be awake but she sits up, eyes open, and cries. It's awful. And Asa rolls around on the bed bashing his GIANT head into my face and the wall and everything in the tri-county area. He likes to do this from 2am to 4am... i'm not sure what it's accomplishing but it makes me a little crazy. I'm too afraid to go back to sleep because i'm sure he'll crawl to the end of the bed and escape out into the tri-county area (sick of this joke yet?)

So, we've slowly been trying to get him to nap in his crib and he even slept part of the night in his crib the other night (THANK YOU BEN!!!!). Here i would like to point out that whoever designed the whole crib thing was a) at least 6 ft tall b) had a thing for cages and c) never gave birth to monkey babies. In order for me to put Asa down in the crib successfully i have to climb in the crib while holding him by standing on the couch and stepping over the crib wall. Then lay him down. If i attempt to lean over the crib wall he wakes up because he senses that i'm about to DROP him into an abyss. I don't mind getting into his crib with him, though i feel a little ridiculous, but i'm always terrified that our combined weight will cause the whole thing to collapse trapping us both in a heap of rubble. Which would be alright cause Esther would save us. The other thing is Asa is a climber. Both of my children could free scale El Cap. from birth. I'm appalled and a little jealous of their "sending" ability. But this does nothing for me as a mother. Asa climbs everything, stools, chairs, the edge of the piano, the bed, the table, the toilet, the stairs, the ladder to the loft, the closet door, the bookshelf... oi. If he survives baby-hood i think i should get a gold medal for crisis intervention. And a life-time supply of rolaids. This is bad for the crib and makes me SUPER nervous about having him sleep upstairs away from us. If he wakes up he could very well decide it's play time and do a full on dyno right out onto his head. fabulous...

So, now i'm debating getting rid of the crib, laying out the futon sofa upstairs and just putting him down there. If he falls off it's only like 5 inches to the ground, if he escapes in the night there's nothing too dangerous around, except Esther. I may even consider having both of them sleep on that bed and putting both of them down at the same time... reserve manpower?

I dunno... i have no solutions.

I'm sleep deprived. It's killing me. I started crying in a meeting this afternoon. Luckily it was a conference call...

but on the upside - we don't have H1N1.... yet.