I have a problem. i think a lot of americans have this same problem. when i feel crappy i like to have new things... i think they call it retail therapy, and you know you do it too.
Well, since we have no money, and while the general idea of having things is nice, we live in a teeny tiny house and i don't want a lot of stuff - the ideal me is a minimalist. So, as a compromise, i internet window shop. My faves are anthropologie.com , urbanoutfitters.com (i know i'm a dork), modcloth.com, amazon.com, and etsy.com
anyhow, sometime ago while window shopping, i found this:
and i LOVE it. i mean LOOOOOOOVE it. I'm going to marry it. I'm going to have it's babies and wear an apron and cook it big giant roasted pheasant dinners.
now here's why. Since becoming pregnant with Esther it absolutely amazed me how wet motherhood actually is. starts out with the incessant need to pee, the clumsiness (always dribbling tea on myself). then well, you know labor just speaks for itself. then infancy and nursing and baby-hood, potty training, sickness, it's all about being wet. soggy. damp. moist (i threw that in there cause i know that word gets under at least two of my readers' skins. hehehehe)
i'm tired. i'm tired of the kids being sick. i'm tired of not EVER getting enough sleep. i'm tired of trying not to dry heave every time i get my student loan bills. i'm tired of yelling. i'm tired of fighting. i'm tired of feeling like i'm ruining everyone's life. i'm tired of aching. i'm tired of wishing. i'm tired of feeling guilty about every-freakin'-thing-in-existence. i'm tired of owing people something. i'm tired of being nice to strangers. i'm tired of juggling my schedule CONSTANTLY. i'm tired of waiting around for it to get better. i'm tired of cringing every time i catch a glimpse of myself in a mirror. i'm tired of the screaming, crying, whining, and teeth gnashing. i'm tired of being puked on, spit on, coughed on, sneezed on, and kicked in the face.
i hate everything. now if you'll excuse me, i'm going to dig myself a small, muddy pit out back and feel sorry for myself until i die.
This post is especially for my blogging friend, Stephen... ok, so i'm not an elf but i have pointy ears (they're dark brown and furry so you might not be able to tell). And let's go ahead and throw this out there now, this is EMBARRASSING in oh-so very many ways. But, who doesn't go through that phase of wanting to be a young sex-pot in weird costumes? - this was from the days when i would go to festivals and help my aunt sell human-sized fairy wings (she makes them, they're awesome). I am about 21 here i think... i'm not sure festivals will ever be the same though...
I stumbled across this blog and this particular entry and it's making think about the whole kid thing. Especially since we're also trying to strategize how to keep our adult social lives (and sanity) going. And since the majority of you don't have kids, i feel i might be giving you false impressions about what it's like to be a parent.
So here's the skinny. and keep in mind this is just my own personal take on it. i KNOW it's vastly different for everyone. Oh, also i'm giving you fair warning: this post most likely contains explicit info and more about me than you probably wanted to know, but tough sheet.
1) Does having kids ruin your life? I would not say "ruin". I would say "change". It changes everything, you, your life, your priorities, your everyday functioning, your body, your mind, your chemical reactions. It's kind of like puberty. I am very different from who i was before i had kids. But then again, if i hadn't had kids how much different would i be from who i was 4 years ago? not sure.
And i know i give the impression that it has ruined a lot of things for me. But i'm a whiner. and really, let's face it. the entire blog world is based on the fact that this is a PERFECT way to whine and foist our opinions on the internet population.
Parenthood has taken it's toll on a lot of things in my life. We chose to live in the country specifically because we got pregnant. I just couldn't see raising my kids in the city. But because of this choice we have isolated ourselves a bit more than i expected. This isolation and distance from all our friends who live in the city is a big deal to me right now. With regard to the whole "kids ruin your sex life thing". It's not exactly true. They definitely reduce the opportunities you have. But on the other hand you're forced to be more creative which is definitely fun. And it makes the times when it does happen that much more exciting and seemingly special. I'm not saying i don't constantly damn our night waking babes... but I don't think it's a reason for not having kids.
i miss a lot of who i was before kids and i regret not having gone to graduate school sometimes... but there's always later. But who the kids have made me isn't all bad. i feel more at ease with myself (mostly because i don't have the time or energy to waste on being self conscious). i feel like i have this constant view of how vast and small the universe is at any given time. i feel like my influence on my children is the greatest change i will ever make in the world AND they inspire me to advocate for a better future for their sake. plus they're hilarious. i mean... seriously (Esther says this morning: Mom, if dad closes your fingers in the door then you'll die, and i won't have a mommy. - ok so it doesn't sound hilarious here it sounds sort of sad. but the moment was really quite funny.)
2) Why did you have kids? Well, i mainly have kids because we got pregnant by accident. twice. yeah, yeah, yeah. I know, i'm an idiot. but i did always plan on having kids. I love kids. Admittedly though, since having my own kids i'm not as interested in other people's kids. I'm not entirely sure why i always envisioned having kids. It might be because i grew up with lots of cousins and aunts and uncles and that's just what i figured people do. Or it's biological programming. I dunno. It honestly never crossed my mind, NOT to breed.
3) Isn't pregnancy and birth disgusting and HORRIFYING? yes and no. quite frankly i think it's one of the most biologically cool things EVER! but then again, i'm not easily disgusted. ben and i have a joke that, if it didn't result in having another kid we'd totally get pregnant again. That's also not entirely true. Pregnancy is hard and uncomfortable. i never got that "glow" thing that people talk about. i never felt like some divine vessel or anything. but there were moments, very small, unique moments when i was alone and i felt the fetus moving around that i truly felt connected... grounded...fulfilled. and birth. WHOA. not a picnic. but also VERY cool. Esther's labor was hard and scary. Asa's labor was (particularly in retrospect) FREAKIN' AWESOME!!! it was empowering and energizing and exhausting and surreal and very wet. so yes. but i loved it.
4) With regard to the adolescent years... I am actually looking forward to my kids being teenagers. not that i loved my own adolescence but i feel like i'll be a pretty good parent to a teen. go ahead laugh all you like. and remind me of this when i come to you ten years from now a complete and utter wreck. (and maybe i'm just giddy at the prospect of getting to sleep in again...) BUT i think that it's a wonderful opportunity to influence how this eventual adult will look at the world and see their own impact as a chance for positive change. (what can i say, i'm a pathological optimist...sometimes)
the short of it is: being a parent has been ridiculously hard since conception and having two was like a nail in the coffin (i advise waiting at least 10 years before having a second). and right now, while they're still so young, the rewards are so um... seemingly inadequate (not sure if that's really what i mean here). but, i love esther and asa. i mean FREAKIN' LOOOOOOOOOVE them. and maybe it's a "can't see the forest for the trees" kinda thing or maybe it's just a chemical reaction to ensure the procreation and survival of the species, but i cannot imagine myself without them. (though sometimes i fantasize about all the freedom i'd have if i hadn't had them... living abroad, graduate school, lots of extra cash, going out on dates regularly... stuff like that)
i'll let you now how the reward part changes the older that they get. i keep telling ben that i have a sneaking suspicion that in another two or three years things are going to be a lot of fun as a family. just gotta get past the baby phase... still though. they're really cute, eh?
I would just like to say "F YOU TIME CHANGE!!!" Arizona has it right, they don't believe in the time change.
So now with the clocks turned back the kids go to bed around 7 and 7:30 (unless Esther has miraculously decided to take a nap - a 1 in a million chance). Now this is not a bad thing in that i can get a bit done and go to bed at a reasonable time (they still get up multiple times in the night and official wake-up call is now 6am-fun!). HOWEVER, it has, for the time being, completely killed any chance Ben and I have at an adult social life.
We used to have dinner with j&i once a week. Remember "Tastie Tuesdays" or "Wicked Wednesdays" and then what was it, "Thrombotic Thursdays"? It got moved around depending on what peoples' schedules were doing. We worked hard to keep it going alternating who'd cook and we'd eat at our house one week and theirs the next. And then when Asa was born they decided to go the extra mile (or 30 miles) and come here every week so we could keep it going since two kids is like a gazillion times harder than having just one (keep that in mind all of you with one kid - when/if you decide to go for a second IT MIGHT JUST KILL YOU!!!!!). Then schedules got changed and budgets got tight and we decided to cut back to every other week with the possibility of Saturday breakfasts once in a while to make up for it. But so far the breakfasts haven't happened and now that little 'uns are doing the bedtime routine right about the time that j&i get here, it seems like this little oasis of mommy and daddy reprieve is going to go the way of the dinosaurs.
I am the only mother at Esther's preschool who made her costume. It's too bad you can't see how poorly i sewed it His horns dug into his head a little bit... and we took them trick-or-treating but it rained and i only had one small umbrella... and now they are sick with colds.
Now that's much better. Thanks everyone. i feel much more loved now. And Jes - i agree, rss feed is ruining the comment option... they should look into that.
Lunatics Lullaby Oh, I was born one night one morn When the whistle went "toot, toot." You can bake a steak or fry a cake
When the mud pies are in bloom. Does six and six make nine? Does ice grow on a vine? Is Old Black Joe an Eskimo In The Good Old Summertime?
Oh, you loop-de-loop in your noodle soup Just to give your socks a shine. I'm guilty, judge. I ate the fudge. Three cheers for Old Lang Syne!
I cannot tell a lie. I hocked an apple pie. It's on a tree beneath the sea Above the bright blue sky.
Oh if Easter eggs don't wash their legs, Their children will have ducks. (Quack, quack!) I'd rather buy a lemon pie For forty-seven bucks. Way down in Barcelonia They jumped into the foamia
But that is all balonia. Paderewski blow your horn. (Toot, toot!)
(as soon as ben teaches me to play it on the piano we'll flip it and post it here so you can all laugh at me.)
Dearest Big Girl, The last time I wrote you a birthday letter it was six months late. I’m trying to be better about it this time… but I started it two days ago on your actual birthday and still haven’t even come close to finishing it.
You are such a big girl now, hardly a trace left of that little squawking red baby that took her time coming into this world. You don't take your time doing anything these days, in fact you run everywhere now. You are always on the move - running, jumping, dancing, singing... and you've recently hit the "why" phase. You want to know everything - why things are certain colors, what i'm doing at any given moment and why, where everyone else on the road is going.
We've tackled quite a few hurdles this year. Daddy and I moved into our downstairs room and gave you your own room, you learned to use the toilet and ditched the diapers, you finally got that second set of molars (but only like 6 weeks ago), and recently you’ve given up naptime. Oh and you have recently started to refuse to wear any pants that aren’t stretchy (are you sure you’re not Terri’s daughter?). You started preschool this year. You go two mornings a week and at first it was a little rocky but you absolutely adore it now. You talk about all your friends at school and when I drop you off you give me a quick kiss and then you’re off to play. You make beautiful drawings and paintings which you bring home and it’s a shame they don’t all fit on the fridge but one day you’ll find out that our fridge, like our house is incredibly, and perhaps impractically small. You’re still not sleeping through the night, you cry out at night at least once and we still can’t figure out why. But we’re used to it by now and just crossing our fingers that maybe someday you’ll be a good sleeper (preferably before you hit your teens).
You’re one tough little cookie. You love to wrestle and tackle and love on everyone. You are creative and play with everything and anything. You will also watch any and all podcasts we let you. You know how to work an iphone better than I ever will. I’m sure by the time you’re all grown up everyone will have iphones surgically attached to their heads or something…
You’re at a really fun age. You say some pretty hilarious stuff which your father puts directly onto Twitter. You dress yourself, brush your own teeth, you play by your self, you go to the potty mostly by yourself. You are just starting to learn to read (though you get lazy after a very short time and make me read it instead). You are very cuddly and full of love. The other day I got a bit overwhelmed with everything and started crying. You asked me if I was ok and I said I was fine, just a little sad. But you came over from where you were playing and wiped my face (with the blanket you stole from Asa), kissed me, and said “don’t worry your daddy will come soon and you’ll be happy again” then you lay down in my lap and wiped your boogers on my jeans.
You are an awesome big sister. Nothing makes you happier than Asa laughing. You go absolutely nuts just to hear Asa laugh. And Asa just adores you! He wants to do everything you are doing, he follows you around and sits right in the middle of whatever you’re doing. You get pretty mad at him, but you’re learning. You say “Mom, can you move him out of my way please?” When I sit down to nurse him you go get your baby and nurse her (your doll baby at any given moment has one of these four names – Cinderella, Alastacia ???, Asa, or Ella).
You are so grown up. I remember looking at your screaming, howling, angry little baby face and knowing with complete certainty that you were going to be like that forever – screaming in my face. But you’re not. You do scream sometimes still but mostly in fun. And you don’t seem to think that I’m the person who created the concept of pain anymore.
You are my little warrior princess, Esther Mathilde Jones Matthews Shoe-Sock Princess of the North! And I love you more and more everyday. You were most certainly worth those three sleepless days in labor.
Esther turned 3 on Wednesday. It was a very fun and exhausting day. Here are a few videos from the party. And one from Tuesday which is when she got to be the birthday girl at preschool. Enjoy!
Ok, so here we are at the second update and still no implementation. Asa is still congested from the cold he had three weeks ago WTF?!? So when i'd go to lay him down he'd start coughing really bad so i'd pick him up and hold him upright patting his back and bouncing to make sure he didn't wake himself up fully. But then he'd choke and vomit all over me, the floor, the rug, the chair, and everything in the tri-county area. I swear i still smell like sour milk even though i showered at least 6 times since the last time he hurled on me.
Everything in "No Cry Sleep Solution" centers around a routine. Which Asa kinda has already. He naps right on cue - but not usually for any set length of time. He goes to bed alright for the most part and right on cue. Even Esther, now that we've stopped letting her nap in the afternoon goes down without a fight. But the night time wakings are an issue. Esther wakes up and cries and cries and cries. She doesn't even seem to be awake but she sits up, eyes open, and cries. It's awful. And Asa rolls around on the bed bashing his GIANT head into my face and the wall and everything in the tri-county area. He likes to do this from 2am to 4am... i'm not sure what it's accomplishing but it makes me a little crazy. I'm too afraid to go back to sleep because i'm sure he'll crawl to the end of the bed and escape out into the tri-county area (sick of this joke yet?)
So, we've slowly been trying to get him to nap in his crib and he even slept part of the night in his crib the other night (THANK YOU BEN!!!!). Here i would like to point out that whoever designed the whole crib thing was a) at least 6 ft tall b) had a thing for cages and c) never gave birth to monkey babies. In order for me to put Asa down in the crib successfully i have to climb in the crib while holding him by standing on the couch and stepping over the crib wall. Then lay him down. If i attempt to lean over the crib wall he wakes up because he senses that i'm about to DROP him into an abyss. I don't mind getting into his crib with him, though i feel a little ridiculous, but i'm always terrified that our combined weight will cause the whole thing to collapse trapping us both in a heap of rubble. Which would be alright cause Esther would save us. The other thing is Asa is a climber. Both of my children could free scale El Cap. from birth. I'm appalled and a little jealous of their "sending" ability. But this does nothing for me as a mother. Asa climbs everything, stools, chairs, the edge of the piano, the bed, the table, the toilet, the stairs, the ladder to the loft, the closet door, the bookshelf... oi. If he survives baby-hood i think i should get a gold medal for crisis intervention. And a life-time supply of rolaids. This is bad for the crib and makes me SUPER nervous about having him sleep upstairs away from us. If he wakes up he could very well decide it's play time and do a full on dyno right out onto his head. fabulous...
So, now i'm debating getting rid of the crib, laying out the futon sofa upstairs and just putting him down there. If he falls off it's only like 5 inches to the ground, if he escapes in the night there's nothing too dangerous around, except Esther. I may even consider having both of them sleep on that bed and putting both of them down at the same time... reserve manpower?
I dunno... i have no solutions.
I'm sleep deprived. It's killing me. I started crying in a meeting this afternoon. Luckily it was a conference call...
and i LOVE it. i mean LOOOOOOOVE it. I'm going to marry it. I'm going to have it's babies and wear an apron and cook it big giant roasted pheasant dinners.
It's too bad you can't see how poorly i sewed it
