Letter to Esther - October 28th, 2007 9:15pm

October 28, 2007

Dear Esther,

Today you turned one year old. It’s been a very crazy year. I remember your birth as though it was an hour ago… well maybe not that well, or maybe so given that my short term memory is crap.

I am so glad I had you. You have been the most amazing blessing in my life. You have taken me to the very edges of who I am and beyond. You have forced me to grow in ways that I didn’t know people could. You have challenged me in every way possible and yet despite all the demanding you have encouraged me every step with your little grins and giggles and your wanting me above everyone else. I did not know that people could love the way you have made me love not just you but your daddy too.

Your daddy is an amazing man. He was there every step of your birth, all three days he was by my side waiting and watching, encouraging, loving, anxious, worried. Your birth was the first time I saw your dad cry, both while I was in labor and after you were born he would just look at you transfixed by how beautiful, perfect and small you were.

We had a big birthday party for you today. There must have been at least 50 people here during the course of the day. All of them with little gifts for you and wanting to hug you and show you things and get you to play with them. It was pretty amazing. The baby shower that we had before you were born was similar, lots and lots of people came. Everyone anxious to see you out in the world, embodied as a physical being that the could squeeze and smooch. You sure are one loved little girl!

But above all, I love you. I love you deeper than any love I have ever known. You are an incredible person. You are very, very smart. You have had a whole year of firsts, the first time you smiled, laughed, stood, walked, said “ah-choo” and “duck.” It has been a year of firsts for your daddy and me as well. The first time you kept us up from dusk till down crying like you were in too much pain to bear. The first time you slept through the night. The first day my milk came in, and the first day you ate baby food, and then solid food. The first time we ever felt bigger than the whole universe.

I feel so unworthy of you sometimes. As though my faults and all my cluelessness about being a mother will lead us all astray some day. I worry incessantly and then worry that all my worrying will make you as up tight and anxious as I am. I worry that I put too much pressure on you to be as intelligent as I think you are. And you, my perfect, beautiful, gifted, gorgeous, amazing little one, are just you. You babble a mile a minute. You are curious about everything and have such an appetite for the world that I know no one and nothing could stand in your way ever. Your will is so stout that nothing would dare.

In short, my daughter, those two sleepless nights and three long days were worth it. I would have done six or even a month of labor to have you in my life. I love you more than I will ever be able to express. I hope that during the course of your life you will always know that, even if it is only a fraction of what I truly feel.

Love,

Mama.

One Year Ago Today

Esther's 1st birthday is this Sunday so as a quick recap:

I went into labor on the 25th (a year ago today) around late morning. It was slow and the contractions weren't bad so we waited out the day watching movies and taking walks. That night around dinner time i called the midwife and told her what was going on. She said that if no changes happen in another hour to call her back and we would make a plan. There was no change so we called her and decided to make our way to the birth center (2 hour drive). We took our time and got there around 9pm. That night Ben and I slept in the birth center the midwife checking on us every so often. Around 2am another family came in and gave birth to a baby girl. I listened to the whole labor and wrestled with my own contractions lamenting that my own labor was not progressing. The next morning the midwife said nothing much was happening despite all the contractions. So she sent me on my way.

My parents had driven their camper up and had spent the night in the parking lot of the birthing center and upon hearing our release decided to camp at a near by campground. We spent the day there taking walks and moaning and at 4pm Ben and I went back to the birth center to be checked. I hadn't slept at all the night before because of the contractions and the anticipation. And as the contractions grew steadily worse sleep became even more difficult. They gave me an antihistamine that they usually combine with a shot to help me sleep but i denied the shot and only took the antihistamine which, oddly enough made the contractions even worse. That night i did not sleep again but stayed up all night my mother helping to prop me up because lying down hurt so much. Jes and Nini came to spend the night with us all cramped into that tiny camper. At 4am we decided to go back to the birth center. But shortly after arriving labor stalled yet again. That whole day i spent in the birthing pool waiting and moaning and trying to deal. I threw up a lot. Ben stuck by me the whole time. Eventually they broke my water to try and get things going. They gave me an IV to try and hydrate and revive me as i was so tired and couldn't keep anything down.

After a very long time and three days of no sleep Esther was finally born into the world on the 28th of October at 3am. We had been expecting a dark headed boy but were amazed at our brand spankin' new red headed baby girl.

I got two small stitches. And we eventually did get a little bit of sleep.

Because i didn't post them then.

These pictures were taken during the women's weekend and they just never got posted. Mostly cause they were posted on West's blog and I didn't feel the need to repeat... but seeing as how i don't have any new pictures:

Wicked Wednesday

Corned Beef and Cabbage.



Lessons Learned:
1) if you get the "koolaid beef" don't add salt.
2) always use the whole head of cabbage.

Lookie Lookie!!

Watch Esther Walk!!!

Wicked Wednesday and Ben's Birthday Dinner

We celebrated Ben's birthday (which is today) with j&i last night during our weekly wicked wednesday. We started out with Chili, then went to cake and kissing... and then Esther played with my shoes...

It doesn't look as delicious as it was in this picture... it actually looks sort of like the bog of eternal stench... which, being chili isn't that far off reality...
Every year i make Ben a carrot cake. Which, for me is a big feat. It's not that i'm not good at baking... it's that i don't like to measure and so sometimes it's a bigger adventure than i set out for... you try measuring an 1/8 of a teaspoon with a shaker.

I swear this is a real kiss, we're not just smashing faces.
Ian's sad cause he's not getting a smooch... actually he's proving something to me here...
Ben says, "well then go get some sugar, Bee-Yatch"

So he does... but it wasn't enough.

So he goes back for more, but instead he tries to suck out her soul as my young daughter watches and learns.
Then my young daughter decides she wants to eat my flip flop... ewww. Also, i - this picture is posted just for you.
Hrmmm... which shoe should i eat next
Children really are like puppies

Miss Esther

Nothing New

Busier than a one armed paper hanger (as my mother always says).

My new work schedule keeps me occupied like you wouldn't believe (or maybe would). For those of you who don't know: I am not at the office Mondays and Thursdays and working from Home Tuesdays and Fridays. Mondays Esther is with Ben. and Thursdays she is with our wonderful friend and surrogate second Mother to Ben and I - Finch. (Hi Finchie!) We like to pretend we're sending her off to school since Finch's house is full of critters (including mini donkeys, Guinea hens and ducks) and interesting things to do like eat leaves.

Esther is crazy and hilarious.
We had my parents over for dinner last night and Esther and my Dad had a raspberry contest and then he got her shrieking which i just cannot stand. But they were both as happy as frogs in the rain (not the ones that hop across the road and get squished though, the ones who are happily engrossed in pondly frolicking).

October is the month of Birthdays so don't expect me to be any less occupied and able to put up a proper post any time soon -- chances are i will cheat you all with these dumb little updates sans pictures.

the 2nd was Josh Dreyfus's birthday - Happy Birthday Josh, if you read this...

Ben's birthday is this thursday - Wednesday we'll be celebrating with j&i at our Wicked Wednesday weekly Dinner with Chili and Apple Pie.
Thursday we will celebrate properly with a dinner of Ben's favorite breakfast (he never reads this so he won't know what we're having) - greek omelette, home fries, biscuits and gravy and for dessert the annual Carrot Cake Libby Delux!

Sam Reed's birthday is um... sometime around here too... i forget exactly what day though... So Happy Birthday Sam Reed, even though i know you don't read this. (Mel, you can tell him I wished him a public happy birthday, since he's too good to talk to me or read my blog these days...harumph!)

The 14th is my Aunt Annie's birthday - I'll be taking the pod-ling down to see her that day as well as hang with my Yaya Mary and her adorable girls, and see my Oa who i never get to see enough of (Hi Oa!)

Jessica Matthew's (Ben's sister and one of Esther's Godmothers) is October um.... crap... 21st?(Is that right Jes, i'm sorry if it's not right)

And Susan's (Hi Mom!), Ben's Mama, birthday is also at the end of October (also, i'm sorry i don't have my birthday list in front of me so i'm going to take a wild guess) 23rd I think....

Esther's 1st birthday is the 28th and my Sister is coming down from Pittsburgh to help us celebrate. Other than that i don't know who else will be able to make it, let me know if you're coming so i can plan accordingly - you are all invited...

Brain Baby Book Club 1

Oh how i love alliteration.

So this is our 1st Brain Baby Book Club Meeting.

Here's what i'm athinkin':

I will post the book (I plan to pick relatively quick reads so that no one is bogged down for months a time wallowing in the muck of something indigestible and many of them you may have already read) and discussion questions and you guys can either post a comment with your answers or send me an e-mail (most of you have my e-mail address, if you don't post a comment and i'll send it to you) Once i have a fair bit of response to the question I will post a "Brain Baby Book Club Responses to *title of the book*" for all to read.

or

it could just be an on going comments section so everyone can respond to everyone else but that sounds messy... and everyone reads at different rates so...

So For Our First Read since i've already pimped it quite a bit and am so darned excited about it:

The Glass Castle by Jeannette Walls.

warning: the following questions may allude to key points in the story. So if you haven't read it yet, you may want to come back to this post later.

1) Explain the metaphor of the glass castle. Do you think it was a good title for the entire work or not and why?

2) What are some of the primary themes of the book and how did they add or detract from the story?

3) Who was your favorite or the most interesting character in the book? What are some of his/her qualities, flaws, strengths that made them so fascinating?

4) What role did the setting/scenery/location play in the story?

5) What would you say, was the overall mood/tone of the story? Did you find it depressing? Why or why not.

6) Name one of your favorite moments in the book.

(these questions are just some quick discussion guidelines. Feel free to answer just a couple or all of them or none of them. Also feel free to pose other questions to me in an e-mail and i will add them to the list)

HAPPY READING!