I know… you’re thinking what happened to the rest of
December and all of January?!
And to that I say, you KNOW what happened to it… because the
two people who maybe still read this blog are the two people who are part of my
daily life and for some reason have not been scared away by my bipolar, narcissistic,
dramatic, and in-your-face ways…. hi guys!
I spent my day from 6:30 this morning running from one task
and place to another always in a frantic state of almost-late… My life these days is very intense. Very time
driven… very frenetic.
A thought drifted through my mind a few minutes ago as I was
tidying up the kitchen after finally putting the kids to bed, “if I quit my job
and became just a stay-at-home mom, I would have no excuse for the mess, the
stress, the shortcuts… and what if I couldn’t do it? I’d have no excuse.”
Truth is that being a working mom (granted i only work part
time) gives me an excuse (even if it’s only an excuse to tell myself) to hang
the dirty house, the piled up dishes, the guilt for spending the extra money on
buying all the frozen and just-add-water meals at the store… It is a weak excuse. I know women who work
part or full time and are the primary parent and still manage to do it all, and
then some! Terri is even more of a food nazi than I am and I just can’t wrap my
head around manning up to put more effort into making everything from scratch
and/or talking my kids into eating quinoa instead of noodles… I’m terrified of what it would mean if I still
couldn’t cut it. If, with all the time in the world I still couldn’t do it all,
couldn’t make it all work… just what would I do all day (aside from blogging
more of course)? I have a list of things I want to do but being too busy to get
to them is both frustrating and strangely satisfying. Satisfying because i have
a reason that it didn’t get done or done well… I don’t have to be perfect.
And after days like today when I run from one thing to
another with the erratic flight of a caffeinated bat, I look at my husband (I love
you, honey!) and I hate him. His life seems so much more simple sometimes. I
know I’m over simplifying it and his life is definitely NOT more simple than
mine. But sometimes it really feels that way. It doesn’t bother him if the kids
have a meal that does not include at least one vegetable, or if Asa has worn
the same shirt for 3 days, or if 4 years old is when they should start having
chores around the house. And here I am trying to keep a handle on all the
things we have to do with and for the kids schools, the dentist and doctor
appointments, the extracurricular activities, the veggies, the chores…
Ben has been picking up more work. The original idea was
that he could get a job that would allow me to quit mine. But that proving
difficult in today’s job market and with his limited qualifications, we’re now on
a trajectory to try and make his “metallurgical arts” (as they say in O’
Brother Where Art Thou) into a viable profession an income producing one at
that. It’s working out well so far. And I
think that his not being hired by any of the places he applied to will work out
to be a blessing in the long run. Working for himself affords him some
flexibility in his schedule and a great amount of artistic freedom. But it’s
going to take some time to get him established. In the mean time, it looks like
I will have to continue to work. I have been thinking that if I can figure out
ways to lighten our budget I can cut back on my hours and therefore my stress
as well. I mentioned to Ben that if I didn’t work so much I probably wouldn’t
drink so much wine and maybe those two things would cancel each other out.
Unfortunately we only buy $9 bottles of wine and I make more than $9 in 2-3
days so I don’t see that allowing me to quit my job…
I’m glad Ben’s building his business. He calls it Moonlight
Forge by the way. You can find him on Custommade.com I think. I’d give you a
link but I’m really tired and I want to go to bed and don’t have the energy to
look up the link. Plus any time I spend in front of the computer makes my brain
think I’m working and it starts whining at me.
I’m glad (and totally petrified) that we have a plan to
transition me away from my current work and maybe work all together. I can
spend my days cooking, raising goats, and even writing… someday…
For now though, the goals are to figure out how to do this
telecommute/homelife balance, lightening the budget, and supporting Ben on his
venture thing…
Also, need to figure out how to calm my frenetic energy… As
a start I’m off coffee and dreaming of ways to add yoga to my daily life (that
is without having to get up at 5:30am every day).
