So it's two weeks until my first YTT workshop weekend. I'm already nervous. Ever since i made the firm decision to do this, i have been sort of rebelling against myself. I haven't been very regular about my home yoga practice, i've been eating junk food and watching junk tv. Rebelling against firm decisions like this is something I tend to do in general. Since it's my own self that is making me (that is sometimes how it feels) do these things, i have only me to rebel against. I think in some ways it's a kind of coming to terms with what is about to happen, or perhaps what i think might happen is more accurate. I feel i am on the brink of a major life shift (or maybe i'm just the second chapter of the shift that started a couple years ago).
Ben was talking to a friend of ours on the phone the other day and said something like "So Libby is really getting into yoga and meditation and she also seems to be getting into gangster rap". It's not actually "gangster" rap, but i have really taken to rap this year. I think it's my brother-in-law's influence and my new found love of running working together (listening to rap while running is my new joy). I think Ben's comment sort of sums up the weird place i find myself though i'm on this weird high wire between finding inner peace and complete anarchy and for some reason this makes complete sense to me on so many levels. To add to this weirdness, tonight i start my 3 day hunter safety course - just another non-yogic seeming endeavor that i seem to feel the need to do RIGHT NOW...
Anyway to get back to my nervousness. So this hunter safety, gangster rap, junk food scarfing persona of mine is looking back at me in the mirror and scoffing "You can't do this"... "You're going to walk into a room full of vegetarian, meditate-every-morning, ballet-backed people and you're going to be 11 years old again walking into middle school for the first time and you're the weirdo..." -- even in a room full of weirdos, i'm still the weirdo... ?
So i'm figuring out how to own this fear... i'm trying to swim my way back upstream to the joy and delight and inspiration that i found in yoga that lead me to even start looking up YTT programs. I want to feel that love affair again and not all this anxiety and self-doubt... sigh... now where did i put those crampons? i have to walk back up this slippery slope...
Tuesday, November 04, 2014
Esther's 8th Birthday Letter
Dear Esther,
You turned 8 years old yesterday. What a whirlwind 8 years its been. Ever since you were a little baby everyone has always said "enjoy it, it goes by fast". I gotta say, in the beginning when you had long nights of teething and sleepless wailing, it didn't feel fast. But on the other end of that, i look at you now and i can simultaneously see the amazing 8 year old wonder girl and the little pink baby with red hair and squishy face.
It has been a good year with you all-in-all. We have certainly had our rough patches this year as with every year. You have had some trouble sleeping lately and we've been working together to try to find tools to help you soothe yourself in the middle of the night when you're feeling lonely and tired. It doesn't help that Asa still comes down to the big bed in the middle of the night. I think it's very hard and unfair feeling to you that he gets to come down and you are supposed to stay in your bed. The only thing i can say is that he is 2 years younger than you are, and he will have to start staying in his bed by himself too soon. The other struggle with you these days is clothing. You are very specific about the kind of clothes you want to wear and that makes it very hard to shop for you. Even when i take you with me and make you try on all the clothes you insist you will wear them so i buy them, but then you don't. You have 1 pair of basketball shorts (long black nylon ones with white stripes down the legs) that you adore. I think mostly because they are comfortable. But now that it's fall and winter is starting to make an appearance, I've told you they are for the home and sleep only... so now you're trying to get used to pants and that's hard for you. I wish clothes weren't such a point of contention... though i guess i should be glad it's all about comfort and not style...
All of our struggles aside though, it has been an absolute joy being your mama this year. You are so brilliant and creative and clever. Your love of reading is through the roof. You adore a series of books about a mouse named Geronimo Stilton. You also love the new Nancy Drew series, and pretty much anything you can get your hands on. We read together and have finished the Little House on the Prairie series (though i think we are planning on starting again soon) and are just about finished the first Harry Potter book. You tell amazing stories (you love to do puppet shows while you're taking a bath and use the piano to tell stories to add dramatic sound). You love to run and dance and sing and you can whistle louder than I can. You are always listening (except when i'm asking you to do chores). You are quick witted, gorgeous, hilarious, vibrant, and inspiring.
You are in second grade now (wow!). School seems mostly easy for you except for the social aspects. You seem to be having an awful lot of issues with one particular girl at school and i am very baffled with what to do to help you in this situation. I'm afraid that you're subject to peer pressure and that your contention with this one girl is exacerbated by the other girls... but maybe i'm projecting... It's a lot to ask of an 8 year old to try and include everyone and be aware of peer pressure... You also seem to disregard certain rules on a whim (like asking for permission to get a drink of water)... I think this is just because you forget to ask not because you don't want to... at least i hope not.
We had a number of adventures this year. We went to the beach again this past summer. We even got to hang out with Taylor Culp and his family. You refer to him as your boyfriend and apparently he refers to you as his girlfriend as well. HIs mother just texted me last night to tell me that he had to write a story about his favorite summer memory in school and he wrote about eating snowballs with his girlfriend. We went camping at Red Oak for Addy's birthday and then in Quarryville (where you were born) for your birthday. You've started running with me occasionally and are part of the 100 mile club at school. You are taking dance (ballet, jazz, tap) through the rec council and you seem to love it though you are the youngest one in the class (and smallest).
We had a brilliant summer together working on projects and summer reading and home-school activities. We made a "lab" in the yard by the shed so you and Asa would have a special place to do all of your experiments. Oh, and daddy built you a loft bed just before the start of the summer. I thought you would like some space that would be just yours that you could go to to read and get away from your brother. You liked it at first but now you seem to not like it so much. I'm trying to help you feel more comfortable there. We hung up constellation stickers and wall decals and postcards and pictures and your dad cut a whole in the wall so you could have your very own little window up there. I hope you grow to like it more... I think it's a very neat place and wish i could have had space like that when i was little. We have such a tiny home, it's hard to make space for everything and lofts are perfect for our tiny house.
I can't wait to have more adventures with you as we embark on you 9th year. I hope that things like clothes and sleeping become a lot easier for you... and i hope that I am doing everything right to help support and guide you through these struggles... i really don't know how to handle all of these things and it's like feeling my way in the dark when it comes to new challenges with you. I hope you can forgive me one day for all the things i didn't handle perfectly.
I hope that you know how very, very much i love you. I hope that the ways i tell you and show you that i love you come through to you in a way that makes sense. You are such an amazing person and I want to give you all the tools to do amazing things and be truly happy in this life...
I love you SO much my Esther-bug.
Love,
Mama
You turned 8 years old yesterday. What a whirlwind 8 years its been. Ever since you were a little baby everyone has always said "enjoy it, it goes by fast". I gotta say, in the beginning when you had long nights of teething and sleepless wailing, it didn't feel fast. But on the other end of that, i look at you now and i can simultaneously see the amazing 8 year old wonder girl and the little pink baby with red hair and squishy face.
It has been a good year with you all-in-all. We have certainly had our rough patches this year as with every year. You have had some trouble sleeping lately and we've been working together to try to find tools to help you soothe yourself in the middle of the night when you're feeling lonely and tired. It doesn't help that Asa still comes down to the big bed in the middle of the night. I think it's very hard and unfair feeling to you that he gets to come down and you are supposed to stay in your bed. The only thing i can say is that he is 2 years younger than you are, and he will have to start staying in his bed by himself too soon. The other struggle with you these days is clothing. You are very specific about the kind of clothes you want to wear and that makes it very hard to shop for you. Even when i take you with me and make you try on all the clothes you insist you will wear them so i buy them, but then you don't. You have 1 pair of basketball shorts (long black nylon ones with white stripes down the legs) that you adore. I think mostly because they are comfortable. But now that it's fall and winter is starting to make an appearance, I've told you they are for the home and sleep only... so now you're trying to get used to pants and that's hard for you. I wish clothes weren't such a point of contention... though i guess i should be glad it's all about comfort and not style...
All of our struggles aside though, it has been an absolute joy being your mama this year. You are so brilliant and creative and clever. Your love of reading is through the roof. You adore a series of books about a mouse named Geronimo Stilton. You also love the new Nancy Drew series, and pretty much anything you can get your hands on. We read together and have finished the Little House on the Prairie series (though i think we are planning on starting again soon) and are just about finished the first Harry Potter book. You tell amazing stories (you love to do puppet shows while you're taking a bath and use the piano to tell stories to add dramatic sound). You love to run and dance and sing and you can whistle louder than I can. You are always listening (except when i'm asking you to do chores). You are quick witted, gorgeous, hilarious, vibrant, and inspiring.
You are in second grade now (wow!). School seems mostly easy for you except for the social aspects. You seem to be having an awful lot of issues with one particular girl at school and i am very baffled with what to do to help you in this situation. I'm afraid that you're subject to peer pressure and that your contention with this one girl is exacerbated by the other girls... but maybe i'm projecting... It's a lot to ask of an 8 year old to try and include everyone and be aware of peer pressure... You also seem to disregard certain rules on a whim (like asking for permission to get a drink of water)... I think this is just because you forget to ask not because you don't want to... at least i hope not.
We had a number of adventures this year. We went to the beach again this past summer. We even got to hang out with Taylor Culp and his family. You refer to him as your boyfriend and apparently he refers to you as his girlfriend as well. HIs mother just texted me last night to tell me that he had to write a story about his favorite summer memory in school and he wrote about eating snowballs with his girlfriend. We went camping at Red Oak for Addy's birthday and then in Quarryville (where you were born) for your birthday. You've started running with me occasionally and are part of the 100 mile club at school. You are taking dance (ballet, jazz, tap) through the rec council and you seem to love it though you are the youngest one in the class (and smallest).
We had a brilliant summer together working on projects and summer reading and home-school activities. We made a "lab" in the yard by the shed so you and Asa would have a special place to do all of your experiments. Oh, and daddy built you a loft bed just before the start of the summer. I thought you would like some space that would be just yours that you could go to to read and get away from your brother. You liked it at first but now you seem to not like it so much. I'm trying to help you feel more comfortable there. We hung up constellation stickers and wall decals and postcards and pictures and your dad cut a whole in the wall so you could have your very own little window up there. I hope you grow to like it more... I think it's a very neat place and wish i could have had space like that when i was little. We have such a tiny home, it's hard to make space for everything and lofts are perfect for our tiny house.
I can't wait to have more adventures with you as we embark on you 9th year. I hope that things like clothes and sleeping become a lot easier for you... and i hope that I am doing everything right to help support and guide you through these struggles... i really don't know how to handle all of these things and it's like feeling my way in the dark when it comes to new challenges with you. I hope you can forgive me one day for all the things i didn't handle perfectly.
I hope that you know how very, very much i love you. I hope that the ways i tell you and show you that i love you come through to you in a way that makes sense. You are such an amazing person and I want to give you all the tools to do amazing things and be truly happy in this life...
I love you SO much my Esther-bug.
Love,
Mama
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